Hidden Secrets, Diaries of the WWE Superstars
by Special Agent FUNK
Summary: Every chapter contains a diary-entry of a different Superstar. Insanity, chaos, destruction and randomness ensued. Latest entry: The last chapter
1. Matt's thinking hat makes him rhyme

**A/N:** Wow, people voted. I say: Thankie verry moochos grasses, merci boocoop and dankewohl. Sorry.  
10 Diaries. 10 Superstars. No Randy Orton and no John Cena.  
I'm so happy nobody voted 'How 'bout you finally shut up?'

**Disclaimer: **NO OWNY OKIDOKI? ...Okidoki...  
**Inspired by:** My thinking hat.

* * *

**Chapter 1: Matt Hardy.  
****March 30**

**06:15  
**Hardy har har, it's Matt here. Matt is here, Matt is up. Matt is awesome-o. I bought this diary because Jeff made me. It has puppies on the cover. It's very pretty, but not nearly as pretty as I am myself.  
I must eat.

**06:30  
**I am eating. Eating a snickers. Eating Jeff's Snickers. Snickers usually make Jeff sick anyway, so it's okay.  
I also ate all of his easterlike chocolaty eggs already, before the easterbunny even had a chance to hide them. But it's okay, I'm very close to the easter bunny. We've been best buds ever since pre-school.

**06:40  
**Jeff gets sick when eating Snickers. Does that mean they should be called Sickers?

**06:45  
**Life is full of hard questions like that.

**07:00  
**Jeff is up. He's going out already. I asked him where he was going.

"To the zoo." He said.  
"At 7 in the morning?" I asked.  
"No."

I think Jeff is still asleep. He might be sleepwalking once again.

**07:10  
**Have to remember to make a fence in front of his bedroomdoor again. One time he fell down the stairs and broke his nose in 4 different places.

**07:25  
**Someone is calling me. I can tell because my phone is ringing.

"Yes, Matt." I said.  
"You're Matt." Someone said.  
"Indeed. Is that you, Jimmy."  
"Indeed." The Asian cowboy said. "I had a dream."  
"Really?"  
"Yes sirree." Jimmy said. "I dreamt I was moron."  
"Are you sure it was just a dream?" I asked.  
Jimmy didn't get the nastyness of my comment.  
"Yes, Elvis was in it too."

I like Jimmy. He'll make a great pet to someone someday. I'm thinking Batista.

**07:50  
**Animals do not have pets, do they? I think not... I should ask Mark sometime, he has like, 3 cats. And Kane.  
Kane's a great name for a pet...

**07:55  
**Ferret Kane. I like that.

**08:00  
**Jeff is asleep on the couch. I don't think he ever woke up. I feel like annoying him a little bit.  
But I won't.

**08:05  
**I fed Jeff's parrot, Jeff. I want a pet too named Matt. But what to buy?

**08:15  
**A lion?

**08:35  
**Jeff's walking around again. I'm very positive he's still asleep. He tried to call someone... With a banana.

**08:45  
**Holy sheep, someone picked up the... Banana?  
Uh. I wonder who else has a banana.

**08:50  
**"I know." Jeff said.  
I really wonder what the banana is telling him.

**09:00  
**Jeff is now argueing with a banana. I'm videotaping it so I can prove to him he's sleepwalking.

**09:15  
**Someone called again, and Jeff finally woke up. I know because the phone woke him up, Jeff made a strange move and tripped over the fruitbowl.  
Yes, Jeff was on the table. Poor brother.

**09:25  
**At least he's not as bad of a brother as Glen. I read Mark's diary. He has to put up with a lot of weird stuff.

**10:00  
**It was Shannon, Shannon wanted to know the date. I told him it was February 30. He believed me.  
Shannen is gullible.

**10:15  
**I bought a hat with a brain. I mean it looks like a brain. When I put it on I say smart things. It's my thinking hat.  
Let's try it out.

**10:30  
**Called Ken. Which is odd... Everybody always calls Ken.

"Ken, ask me a smart question."  
"But, aren't the answers supposed to be smart, rather than the question?"

I hung up. I think Ken might have a thinking hat aswell.

**10:55  
**Called Shawn.

"Shawn, I have a hat."  
"So do I." Shawn said.  
"I know."  
Shawn gasped. "You do?" He asked.  
"Yes, because my hat's a thinking hat."  
"Your hat can think?"

I hung up. Shawn obviously does not have a thinking hat.

**11:05  
**Discussed my hat with Jeff. He said: "So now you're a thinking Matt?"  
"Indeed I am."

**11:15  
**It works well. I can write poetry now.

I'm a Hardy,  
my name is Matt.  
I'm so smart,  
because of my hat.

See?

**11:45  
**I feel like being mathematic, or in my case, Mattmatic.

My hat plus Matt equals smartness.  
Matt minus hat equals stupidity.  
Therefore, if I never take my hat off, I will be smart forever.

Frizzy hair plus hat equals smaller sight of frizzy hair.  
Therefore if I never take my hat off, my hair will be invisible.  
Therefore I need less haircare products.  
Therefore I spend less money.  
Therefore I can buy myself a lion.

Smart indeed.

**13:00  
**Am at Shawn's place. Shawn's place is crowded. It houses Shawn, Paul, Glen, Kozlov, Mark and Glen's cats Mr. Humphries, Thor and Bunchlax. And a lot of flees I have just noticed.

**13:10  
**This house only has 2 bedrooms. Who sleeps with who? I must ask them...

"I sleep with Paul." Shawn said.  
"I sleep with Glen." Kozlov said.  
"Meow." Bunchlax said.  
I also slept with Paul." Mark said.

Then everybody started beating Mark up, so I left.

**13:45  
**I just got an e-mail.

_'Dear Matt,  
__I have secret to tell you. I'm related to your brother. He's my brother too. And he's Finlay's brother too.  
__I hope you don't mind... This might be hard but I must tell you this:  
I am your brother, Matt.  
__Love,  
__Natalya.'_

**14:00  
**Holy hell, that is unbelievable. You can't be serious... Does this mean...

That I am Irish?!

**14:05  
**Acting Irish. I don't know how to, so I am currently looking on the internet for a leprechaun buddy like Finlay has.

**15:00  
**Found two. One is wee-man from Jackass. I called him, and Johnny Knoxville answered the phone. Or the banana. I wouldn't be surprised if Johnny Knoxville called with bananas aswell.

**15:10  
**"I am Matt." I said.  
"I'm Johnny." Johnny said.  
"No, you're not." I said.  
"Yes I am." He said.  
"But you're wee-man." I said.  
"No, I am Johnny." He said.  
"My thinking hat tells me you're not Johnny." I said.  
"You're hat needs a brain-transplantation." Johnny said.  
"I will consider that." I said.

We hung up. We sure said a lot, did we not?

**15:20  
**I called Johnny,  
we said a lot.  
Yes Johnny,  
did we not?

Am positive my thinking hat is still working.

**16:00  
**I called Johnny,  
much was said.  
All about my thinking-hat.  
Johnny said it needs a brain-transplantation,  
and I'm not considering that.

Very positive indeed.

**16:50  
**I'm getting hungry. What to eat?

Getting hungry, what to eat?  
Maybe some of Jeff's birdfeed!  
Jeff wil get mad,  
the bird will die.  
Jeff wil get sad,  
he might even cry.  
But all is well,  
'cause after that is done,  
I'll be happy,  
'cause the hunger the gone.

I should start a band.

**17:15  
**Jeff is playing a pokemon game. He doesn't get it... I told him he should actually yell the attacks too, maybe then his pokemon will listen.  
Jeff just yelled "Doduo, do your flamethrower!"  
Doduo's have no Flamethrower.

**17:30  
**Jeff was playing,  
his pokemon died,  
and as I said earlier,  
Jeff even cried.  
Doduo is a bird aswell,  
and even though it's not real,  
Jeff's agony over his loss,  
I too, feel.

DAMN, I RULE!

**19:00  
**I'm getting tired. It is because I woke up around... Eh... 6. Six is early.

Six is too early,  
for me to be awake,  
I set the alarmclock on eight,  
but I think it might be fake.  
I'm sleepy now,  
I must sleep soon,  
preferably until,  
tomorrow afternoon.

**19:40  
**Called Paul.

"Paul." I said. "How are you?"  
"SHUT UP!"  
"Well someone's got PMS..."

Paul hung up, Paul is pissy,  
and it's not hard to guess,  
it's all because, don't tell anyone,  
Paul has PMS.

**20:00  
**This thinking hat is the best thing that has ever happened to me, I swear. I'm never ever ever ever letting it out of my sight.

**21:00  
**Hmmm I just woke up. I fell asleep on the couch because I was so tired.  
But... Where is my thinking hat?!

**21:10  
**Jeff threw it away, he said I looked stupid.

"But now I'm not smart anymore!" I yelled.  
"You were never meant to be smart anyway." Jeff said.  
"But, but..."  
"Let's go to Disneyland." Jeff said.  
"OKAY!"

**21:30  
**Going to Disneyland, have to leave now. BYE!

* * *

Whew... Haha. I had so much fun writing this. Rewiews are indeed appreciated greatly.


	2. Mr Kennedy's nice day, strangah

Thanks for reviewing, I'll buy y'all some wooden shoes so you can go clogdancing after this.

**Inspired by:** Resident Evil 4 and that dream I had about staring at Mr. Kennedy's butt at a pool. ('t Was a lovely dream)  
**Chapter 2; Mr. Kennedy Kennedy.  
**ENJOY!

**

* * *

**

**April 22.**

**09:00  
**My alarmclock woke me up by yelling "Kennedy!"  
I yelled 'Kennedyyyy!' right back at it. It's a great way to wake up. I suggest you try it.

**09:12  
**Ah, I checked my phone. I have 5 new textmessages.

_'Ken, call me back asap. I need to talk to you. XxX HHH'_

_'Ken mAn, whAzzzuuuuup? I just TXted to say aye, les go to teh mall man! i gtta buy a fone aye! Greetz, PUNK.'_

_'Dear Ken, please for once leave the toiletseat down, xxx Joni.'_

_'I borrowed your microphone, will give it back before you know it. Awesome Kong'_

_'I can not find my phone, please call me so I can hear where it is. Cena.'_

Texted Cena back; _'How the hell can you text when you don't know where your phone is?!'  
_Cena's reply came right away; _'You're right, I was holdin' it in ma hand. Srry.'_

**09:16  
**Cena texted again. _'Can't find ma hand, please call so I can hear it ring.'  
_Cena has a detachable hand? How odd.

**09:19  
**Mark called me.

"Glen just rang again." He said.  
"Ask him if he ate Cena's hand."

He hung up.

**09:25  
**Mark called again.

"Affirmative."  
"Heehee." I snickered.

**10:28  
**Going to the mall with Punk later. Or Phil, whatever. I hate his real name, he sounds like a damn doctor. I don't like doctors, they say I talk too much.

**10:30  
**Everyone says I talk too much, does that mean...  
No.  
Everyone must be a doctor.

**10:45  
**Doing my hair. Very pleased, I am irresistable if I say so myself. I might need to go swimming again soon, so I can show off my perfect body.

**10:53  
**Hmmmm... I like mirrors. I'm so sexy.

**10:55  
**Hell, I'd look good wearing nothing but... Nothing but...  
I can't think of anything evil.

**11:09  
**I'd look good wearing nothing but clogs. There you go! I could go clogdancing. Nude. I should ask Punk if he's in for it too.

**11:16  
**Calling Punk.

"How 'bout after we shop we go swimming?" I asked.  
"Okidoki skip." Punk said.  
"And after that we go clogdancing?" I asked.  
"I don't know..."  
"Nude clogdancing?"  
Punk cheered. "I'm in!"

**11:27  
**We should ask some more people to join. I'm sure Mark's in for it, and Shawn. Shawn loves being naked. Batista too, and I'm sure so does Santino. Not sure about Kozlov though?

**11:45  
**Punk's here, we going to the mall.

**13:09  
**Shopping with Punk is horrible. He wants this, and he wants that. He wants a new phone, a moped, a beltbuckle with his name and some new clogs. Oh dear.

**13:39  
**Hmmm, orange clogs? I told Punk not to go to that damn Dutch store, but he said clogs are dutch, therefore that was the place to buy them.  
Orange does look good on me though...

**14:00  
**Punk has a moped. It's cool. We're riding it now, which is why my handwriting looks like Michael J. Fox's. It's fine, fine fine.  
ARGH!  
Speedbump. I hurted my toosh.

**14:18  
**We saw Cena. We waved. Cena looks confused. I couldn't tell if he was missing a hand though.

**14:43  
**Punk said we should invite Jett over too. Told him they're still in Disneyland. And whenever Jeff and Matt (Jett) are in Disneyland, Jeff gets arrested for harassing some foodstand-employee.  
It's because Jeff still thinks in Disneyland they speak Spanish, rather than French.

**15:00  
**At the swimming-pool, calling lots of fun people to join us.  
Kane is here, and so is Mark. And HHH and Shawn of course. And Kozlov came along aswell, which suprised me. Kozlov has insanely huge swimtrunks.

**15:11  
**The Animal arrived too, and he took Beth. Beth was followed by Santino, who never really appears to fit in.  
It must be his eyebrow.

**15:19  
**I asked Santino if he has a diary. Santino blushed. I wonder why?

**15:28  
**Punk is obsessed with zombies. He said they're coming for us.

"Whatever." Kozlov said. "We're all going down, but I've got a helmet."  
He really does. He always wears it. Even now.

**16:00  
**Kozlov jumped into the water and sank because his helmet filled up with water. Mark, Glen and Batista jumped in too to save him.  
Heehee. I ain't givin' him CPR!

**16:09  
**Like I could when he is wearing a helmet. I'd just hit my pretty head.

**16:16  
**Kozlov's still on the bottom, he should be dead by now. That sucks, I like him.

**17:00  
**Oh look, he's out of the pool. Glen pulled his helmet off and swoosh, Kozlov punched Glen in the face.

"Don't touch my helmet." He grunted.  
Glen just looked really confused. I know I am.  
"I can breathe underwater." Kozlov finally said.

I shrugged. Makes sense to me.

**17:13  
**Kozlov appears to be fine. I'm happy about that, he almost had me worried.  
Punk just got a little panicky when Kozlov was under water, but he's back to his usual self.

**17:20  
**"I got a gun." Punk said.  
"Really?" Batista asked.  
"Of course really..." Santino butted in. "Why'd he say that if he didn't have a gun?"  
"Shut up Santino." Batista said annoyed.  
"You shut up Baptista, Manimals don't need guns anyway."  
Punk just sat there, looking bored. They ruined his story.

**17:28  
**"It's for the zombies..." Punk mumbled.  
"That's okay, I got a helmet." Kozlov said.  
"We know that now..." Punk replied annoyed. "We saw it."  
"Sooooo?" Shawn asked.  
"Yes, the zombies. I bought a gun from a man." Punk said.  
"Oh." I replied.  
"He was wearing a cloak and said 'I got sum rare things on sale, strangah.'"  
"Really, why?" I asked.  
"Because he had sum rare things on sale, why else?" Santino yelled.

'Baptista' threw him into the pool. 't Was a nice sight.

**18:00  
**"He had other rare things too." Punk said.  
"Like what?" Mark asked bored.  
"He had... A treasure map!" Punk exclaimed.  
"Of what?" I asked.  
"A castle..." Punk said. "I bought it, he said hehehe thank you."  
"Of course he said thank you." I said.  
"No, he said hehehe thank you."  
"That's nice..."

Oh dear.

**18:10  
**"He also said I should shoot 10 medallions, I'd get a... Special gun." Punk said.  
"A special gun?" I asked.  
Shawn snickered. "I bet it's in his pants..."

Tsk.

**18:30  
**"I got a selection of good things on sale, strangah." Punk mumbled.  
Everyone just stared at him.  
"Gimme that man's number, I wanna new gun too." Triple H said.  
"No way strangah." Punk mumbled.

Punk is acting very... Strange.

**18:35  
**Look, it's Joni. What the hell is she doing here?

**18:40  
**"Hurroooo, strangah." Punk yelled at Joni.

Joni punched him. I love that woman.

**18:43  
**"You left the toiletseat up again, Ken." Joni moaned.  
"I beg your pardon." I replied.  
"Shut up Ken, or I'll marry you and have you change your last name into mine."  
"You can't do that." I pouted.  
"Then the toiletseat goes down." Joni said.

And she left again. Girls are such a pain in the toosh.

**19:00  
**"Who was that?" Mark asked.  
"My girlfriendwomanthing."  
"Since when?"  
"Since a week."  
"You never told us?" Mark said accusingly.  
"I forgot."

Who cares anyway? Women, as I said, are a pain in the toosh.

**19:12  
**A worse pain than mopeds that is.

**19:17  
**"What're ya buyin'?" Punk asked me.  
"Nothin'." I mumbled. Thinking about having Punk picked up by the men in the white coats.

**19:35  
**"I got sum rare things on sale strangah." Punk said to some girl that walked by.  
"Ewwwwww!" She exclaimed.  
"Wanna see my gun, lady?"  
"Ewwwwww!"  
"Fine, then not. I'll save it for Shawn."  
"Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" She yelled. It echoed in the pool, I love echoes.  
"Heeheehee." Shawn snickered.  
"Damn you." Paul said.  
"KENNEDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

Really, I love echoes.

**19:45  
**Did I ever tell you about that one time I got stuck in a wooden shoe? Or well, a giant clog?  
Mark saved me from it... I just found out they have those clogs here too. You can float around in them.  
Told Santino to go do that.

**19:49  
**Santino is stuck in a giant clog. And he's not even nude. Told him to go clogdancing.  
Santino is now waving his arms, and soon the clog will probably flip over and Santino will be underwater, and swoosh, no more Santino.

**20:00  
**I'm always right. Once again Glen, Mark and Batista jumped in, now to save Santino.  
Kozlov was jumping up and down, throwing in lifejackets and yelling 'Noooooooooooo, he has no helmet!'

't Was a fine sight.

**20:15  
**For some reason someone in the pool turned on disco-lights. It's like a big party now. We all decided to go to the waterslide and discodance our way down, in a nice, orderly line.  
I wonder what'll happen. Punk will go first.

**20:19  
**Punk danced down the slide, on his back, with his head first. He had no idea the slide would be slippery.  
't Was a fine sight.

**20:24  
**Glen went next. In a nice orderly fashion he made it down half the slide. Then he landed on his toosh and swooshed down faster than a rollercoaster.  
Though I must say I've never seen a coaster on a waterslide, so I could be wrong.

**20:27  
**Santino and Baptista (wait, did I call him Baptista myself? dang...) went together. Santino was holding Batista because he was scared, and they swooshed down right into Glen.  
Now we might have to save Glen too.

**20:30  
**Ah, it's Mark. Mark can dance for sure.

**20:31  
**Mark did the MC Hammer dance from 'Can't touch this' all the way down. I think Mark wins the discoslide. Indeedy.

**20:34  
**Shawn's turn. He said "I'm a sexy boy" and slipped before he even touched the actual slide. Paulie went after him very fast because Shawn looks like he hurt himself.  
They're the cutest couple on the planet.

**20:36  
**If I hurt myself like that, the only thing Joni would say is 'That's what happens when you leave the toiletseat up!'

**20:38  
**My turn. I'm shaking in my swimtrunks. I don't know what to do...  
Wait, I know!

**20:45  
**Clogdanced my way down the waterslide, faster than Glen on a rollercoaster. Whoohoo!  
Too bad I wasn't naked.

**21:00  
**Let's do this again...

**21:32  
**Outside... They threw us out when I showed them my toosh. I wonder why, my toosh is amazing.

**21:35  
**At least we're all still alive, right?

**21:39  
**We're going home. Well, not really, everyone's coming with me. Which is annoying, because Joni doesn't like Batista much. She says he's too gigantic.

**21:55  
**Glen is hitting on Joni. Joni is hitting on Santino. Santino is hitting on me. We're like a big lovesquare.

**22:00  
**I'm getting tired. It was a busy day... Shopping with Punk, swimming, seeing Kozlov drown, but not drown... Then dancing down a waterslide.  
't Was a fine sight all of it, but now I'm done.

**22:15  
**There's one way of getting everyone out of the house without having to raise my voice.  
I stared at Mark, intensely.

"Do you have any vaseline?"

**22:30  
**I'm off to bed now, I deserve it. Nighty Night people...  
Eh...

Wow.

**22:32  
**Oh, well, not sleepy anymore, Joni is wearing a cute slipdress. I should show her my special gun.

**22:35  
**Night night strangah's! (That was PUNK DAMNIT HOW'D HE GET HERE?)

* * *

't Was a fine sight. Heehee.  
Reviews are appreciated. Flamers will be killed on the spot or beaten up with a plastic bottle.  
(Funneh; The only english word my mother knows is bottle.)


	3. Santino wants to be millionaire

Hehehe, thank you strangahs... For the reviews that is. I had a blast writing Ken, and apparantly you had fun reading Ken. HURRAY, free clogs for everyone!  
Oh and Triple T now has Myspace again... Go add please? Pretty please. Is same username as here.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Santino. I really don't. I don't own his eyebrow either, which I consider a blessing, really. Lmao.  
**Inspired by:** Beavis and Butt-head... Oh yeah, the Merchant in Resident Evil 4 AGAIN. 'Cause he's THAT awesome.

**Chapter 3: Santino.  
**ENJOY!

* * *

**April 29**

Dear Diary. My name is San. I say San because I know not how to write my name. My full name. I know there's Ella in it though. Like in the song, Umbrella-ella-ella.  
But I have no umbrella-ella-ella because it's not raining, and umbrella's are useless when it's not raining, unless there's a bright sun. I know the bright sun is always there, you just never see it. It's because something turns or something.  
The sun? Or the moon? Something turns.  
The planet?

No. Not possible. If this planet turned we would all fall off. Or that's what some people say anyway.  
Just like the earth is round. Not flat like a pancake.  
I can only say the is round indeed. Round like a flat pancake.

Oh Mark, the master of diaries, just walked by. He says I have to put down the time, and then write what I'm doing at that time. He says that's how this works.  
I said okidoki.

**10:00  
**At work, writing in my diary.

**10:04  
**At work, writing.

**10:06  
**At work, still writing. How to write when wrestling? I don't know.

**10:09  
**Same thing...

**10:10  
**I don't get it. If I have to write down what I'm doing, I'm writing things down. Therefore this whole diary should be filled with 'Writing things down.' which seems so utterly boring to me, I can not even describe it.

**10:14  
**I'm writing. I will ask Ken how he did it. Maybe he'll let me read his for a moment.

**10:16  
**I get the point now. I'm not reading his whole diary, he has a dirty mind. A very dirty mind. But not a dirty toiletseat because according to his girlfriend he always leaves it 'up'.

**10:21  
**Does that mean it can go 'down' too? I should check that out sometime. Later. Now I'm busy.

**10:26  
**On the toilet. Am I supposed to write this down too?

**10:29  
**Out of teepee.

**10:34  
**Still out of teepee. I should call someone. But who?  
Call... Mick!

**10:35  
**"Mick Foleh, I'm out of teepee." I said.  
"Oh." Foley replied.  
"I need teepee, teepee for my bunghole."  
"Go buy some."

Hmmmm... With no pants on? My my, what an adventure.

**10:40  
**Still in the same place. San will not show his behind in public. People might faint for the obvious reasons.

**10:42  
**Call Ken?

"Ken, I need teepee." I said.  
"Go buy some." Ken said.  
"Where?"  
"I suggest you call Punk."

If he says so...

**10:45  
**"Punkeh, I need your help."  
"Who would you be?" Punk asked.  
"It'se me, Santino."  
"Oh. Got sum rare things on sale strangah." Punk replied.  
"Teepee will do."  
"Be right there, strangah."

**10:50  
**Punk's on the other side of the door.

"What're ya buyin?" He asked.  
"Teepee."  
"... Not enough cash."  
"What?!" I yelled.  
"Not enough cash, strangah."

Punk left.

**10:56  
**I'm not amused.

**10:58  
**Ugh. What now?

**11:09  
**"I need this stall damnit!" Someone yelled.  
"What?"  
"Please, I might have a leak soon."  
"Is that you, Glen?"  
"Aye." Glen yelled. "Hurreh up!"  
"Bring me teepee for my bunghole first!"  
"Okidoki."

**11:13  
**Glen is assaulting me from the other side of the door. He's throwing in rolls of teepee. So many I will be buried soon if he doesn't stop.

**11:15  
**"Leak-alert!" Glen yelled.  
"Hmmmm." I said muffled. Not even I know what I wanted to say.

**11:19  
**I'm out! Hurray! I should throw a party now.  
I spent about... 53 minutes on the toilet. That was very... Annoying.

I did not even have an epiphany.

**11:33  
**Going to see my little lady, who's not very little at all.

"Beth, did you miss me?"  
"No."  
"What if I tell you I bought you a presento?"  
"What is it?"  
"A bra!"  
"Are you saying I need one?!"

Now my head hurts. Poor head. I'm in a very abusive relationship with the Glamazon.

**11:43  
**Mickie just told me a man should never date a woman that is stronger than him. So I'm breaking up with the Glamazon.

I'll just find myself a new lover, someone more girly and stuff.

**11:55  
**Might need to date someone like eh...

**12:00  
**Who is weaker than I am?

**12:03  
**Why is this so very hard to find out?

**12:06  
**I'm about to get depressed.

**12:10  
**Ah... I just received an e-mail. I'm happy again.

_'San,  
__Listen man... I know I'm late, but 'Who wants to be a millionaire' needs a 'famous' contestant. I signed up, but I can't go because my wife Shawn is sickish. So I need someone to replace me.  
__It's a celeb-episode, so you don't have to go through the round with the 9 other people. You just go to the chair and answer the questions. For a good cause. The money will go to an animal hospital. (A real one, not Batista's house!)  
__Anyway, I want YOU to replace me. However it is TONIGHT, so mail me back soon with your answer. I'll take you there, I promise. But I gotta leave again right away.  
__Please please please please please help me out.  
__Paul.'_

San on 'Who wants to be a millionaire'. HOW COOL!  
Mailed him back.

_'Paulie.  
__I accept.'_

Wheee, I will be on that show tonight! How rawesome.

**12:11  
**Am I smart enough?  
Probably... The less pretty are more smart. Whoohooo. Smart San.

**12:19  
**I might take a nap later... I need to sleep so I'm completely fit when I have to answer questions for the money.

**12:32  
**All about the moneh... Moneh moneh moneh, it's so funneh, in a rich man's world.  
I am the rich man of course...

**13:00  
**Playing Punk's videogames. He's out sellin' guns to people.  
He asked me too.

"San, what're ya buyin'?"  
"That?" I said pointing at a handgun.  
"Not enough cash."

I swear, the only reason he tries to 'sell' me things, is because he gets a chance to say 'not enough cash'. It's not even funny anymore.

**13:09  
**There's a Leon Kennedy in this game. Someone said 'Mr. Kennedy'.  
I went to get Ken.

**13:14  
**Ken watched me play that part again (I died) and when that dude said 'Mr. Kennedy' he yelled "KENNEDYYYYYYYYYYYY!" to the tv and shot a hole in the glass.

I wonder where he got that gun?

**13:18  
**"Punk sold it to me."  
"You had enough cash?" I asked.  
Ken nodded. "I always have enough cash. I have more cash than that Leon Kennedy, lemme tell ya that."

I shrugged. I believe him.

**13:27  
**Punk is gonna kill him for shooting the tv... That is unless...

**14:00  
**Ken told Punk I shot the tv! He's blaming me! Me! San! It's pure evil, I swear. I don't even have enough cash!

**14:09  
**Punk said "What're ya buying?"  
"Not enough cash, Punk." I said before he could.  
"Ehehehe, what're ya sellin?"  
"Uhm..."

I gave him Rey's mask. Poor Rey...

"Ah, I'll buy it at a high price." Punk mumbled.  
"Realleh?"  
"Ehehehe..."

I might need to shoot Punk someday. He freaks me out.

**14:26  
**I'm trying to persuade Punk into not killing me, but it's hard, he has so many guns now... Told him I was going to be on 'Who wants to be a millionaire'.

"Ahhhh..."  
"Yeah, gonna make sum cash." I said.  
"Not enough cash, strangah."

If he says that again I swear I will... I will... I will yell at him from a safe distance.

**15:00  
**Going to take a nap.

**18:00  
**Done napping. Paulie is driving me to the tvstudios now, for I will be on tv soon.  
Again.  
I keep forgetting I'm on tv very often because I'm a wrestler. I was even a champion until the Honkey Tonkey Man took away my belt.  
I wanted to break the record, but I only broke my pride.

**18:09  
**I still like saying 'Bring out the Honka-meter!'

It makes me happy.

**18:30  
**"San, you have to make money." Paulie said. "I trust you're smart enough."  
"The less pretty are always the more smart." I said wisely.  
"In that case I think you might actually win a lot of money."  
I laughed. "Indeed!"

Paulie is so nice!

**18:34  
**I wish he'd date me... But no, he has Shawn. Shawn and Paul... Shawn Paul... Sean Paul?  
OH MY GLAMAZON!  
Shawn and Paul are rapstars!

I had no idea.

**18:45  
**"I like your cd's." I told Paulie.  
Paul just gave me a weird look.

I shrugged it off.

**19:00  
**"San, who will you call?"  
"Ghoooooostbusters!" I yelled.  
"I mean when you don't know the answer..."  
"Uhm..." I had to think about that for a moment. "I suppose... Umaga?"  
Paul smirked. "If you say so."

I swear, Umaga is quite smart. If you know what he's talking about anyway.

**19:09  
**I once had a fight over accents with Umaga and the Great Khali. Khali said 'Santino! Harach! All hach al harrahhhhh!"  
Which apparantly meant "Santino, your accent is worse than mine!"  
Then why don't I need a translator?

Umaga didn't say much. He just roared and sat down on Khali.

**20:00  
**Time! Teehee... I can't wait to show the world how smart I am.  
Mom always told me 'San, you're speshul.'  
And she was right!

**20:15  
**In the 'hotseat'. I'm cold. Someone turned on the airconditioner, and there's nothing hot about this seat anymore...  
Even worse, the hostess isn't here, she's been replaced with...

Steve.

Oh dear.

**20:18  
**"Harrrrr, Stone Cold is your host!" Steve yelled to the camera.  
Now the camera is gone. Steve scared the man behind it.

**20:25  
**Finally we can start... Here goes!

"San, are you ready for the 100 Dollar question?"

I nodded.

"Santino, which of these people is not a famous WWE-diva;" Steve said.  
"A. The Glamazon, B. Natalya, C. Mickie James or D. Ric Flair."

"Is this a trick-question?" I asked.

"No!"

"Okay... D. Ric Flair."

"We fill in the answer... Though I swear it should've been A..." Stone Cold mumbled.

"Pft."

"The answer is correct! You have 100 bucks!"

People cheered. I felt special.

**20:29  
**"San, for the second question!" Steve roared.

"Yes?"

"What color defines the Irish?"  
"A. Orange, B. Green, C. Purple or D. Pink."

Irish... Finlay... Little man in green... So it has to be orange!  
"Orange." I said.

"Really?" Steve asked.

"No... Green!" I said. I like confusing Steve.

"Green it is!" Steve said. "We fill in the answer... And it's correct!"

People cheered again.

"You now have 200 bucks!"

How come he doesn't ask me 'Final Answer'? Hmmm...

**20:37  
**"For the 300 Dollar Question..." Steve mumbled. "Who are Ben en Jerry?"  
"A. A cat and a mouse, B. A tagteam, C. The people behind an icecream brand or D. Nobody."

"A cat and a mouse." I said. I remember those!

"Are you sure?"

"Yes sirree..." I said.

Suddenly the audience started clapping and someone threw me something. When I picked it up I saw it says 'Ben & Jerry's'. When I opened it I saw there was icecream in it.  
"Hmmmm... I want to change my answer." I said.

Steve sighed. "Really."

"Yes, I say C!"

"We fill it in..." Steve Paused. "And the answer is correct!"

WHOOHOOO!

**20:45  
**"Now for the 500 Dollar Question; Which or these bears aren't real?"  
"A. Care Bears, B. Grizzly Bears, C. Polar Bears or D. Koala Bears."

"A." I said.

"Are you sure?"

"Very sure." I said.

I heard Steve curse a little. "And the answer is... Correct!"

**20:49  
**"If you answer the next question correctly, you will have 1000 Dollars for sure."

"Yeah I know."

"Okay..." Steve said. "Who of these actresses plays Buffy in 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer'?"  
"A. Sarah Michelle Gellar, B. Reese Witherspoon, C. Julia Stiles or D. Kate Hudson."

"Who's Boofy?" I asked Steve.

"The one that'll kill you in your sleep if you don't give me the right answer."

"I say... I want to call a friend!"

"Who will you call?" Steve asked.

I was about to say Ghostbusters, but Steve frightens me, so I said "Festus."

"Festus is your f... Never mind, calling Festus."

**20:53  
**Jesse answered the phone. In the background I heard Festus yelling.  
"The phone rang." Jesse explained.  
I shrugged, makes sense to me.  
"I got a question, like... Who plays Boofy in the Vampire Slayer?"  
I heard Festus roar, but Jesse answered the question before he could. "Sarah Michelle Gellar."  
"Thanks man..." I said.

Jesse hung up.

"A." I said.  
"We fill in the answer and... That is correct!" Steve said. "You now have 1000 Dollar."

**21:00**

"If you fail to answer the next question correctly, you'll still have 1000 Dollar."

"Okidoki." I replied. That's nice, isn't it?

"Okay, San, ready?"

I nodded.

"San, which of these is not a famous talk-show host?"  
"A. Dr. Phil, B. Stone Cold Steve Austin, C. Oprah or D. Rickie Lake."

"A. Dr. Phil." I said.

"Are you sure?" Steve asked.

"Yes, he's just a doctor on tv..."

"Are you sure?"

"Dr. Phil it is." I said.

"Is that your final answer?" Steve asked.

"Yes."

"Okay... We fill it in..." Steve said. "And the answer is... Incorrect!"

"What?!"

"It's B. I am not a host, I'm just a guest here." Steve said.

"Crap."

I had to leave... Ahwell, 1000 Dollar will do. I hope Paulie won't be disappointed.

**22:09  
**I still think Dr. Phil isn't a showhost. He's just a lame doctor that annoys people on tv.

**22:18  
**Damnit!

**22:27  
**Am now eating Ben & Jerry's to feel better. At least I got icecream from someone in the audience. How nice of them eh?

**22:34  
**I have to sing sad songs too... _I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you...  
_ACK!  
I broke up with Beth! I really am out of love!

**22:45  
**Life's a bitch for San... Always is, always has been...

**23:09  
**Ohwell, at least my mom thinks I'm speshul.

* * *

Sorry it took me so long, I was sick. Still am a little. Blegh!  
Reviews would be nice. I'll give you cookies. No, not cookies... A windmill!

_Next up: CM Punk and the story behind his... Strangeness._


	4. CM Punk gets sum help, strangah

Oh man, no complaints about San? And it was such a bad entry. I had a writersblock the size of the moon.  
Teehee. This one will be better! I finally got my own computer, therefore am happy, therefore am inspired.

**Inspired by:** My new comp, Resident Evil 4 once again, Dragonball GT. (I love Vegeta's hair, I forgot how cool GT was.) and ma friend Shadie  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own WWE, CM Punk, or anything else mentioned in this fic, unless I do own it, but you won't care, so why mention it?

**Read and review, or read and enjoy. Reading and flaming is possible but not recommended.**

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 4; CM Punk!  
****August 10.**

**09:00  
**It be me, strangah. CM Punk. Or Phil. Call me Punk, and never reveal my true name, for it might cost you dearly.

**09:12  
**I'm meeting up with the gun-man again today. He told me he has some nice things on sale. I wonder if he has any mopeds, I'd like a custom moped. One that shoots off bullets when you ring a bell or something.

**09:16  
**I forgot, I could just take Festus with me and ring a bell. Festus is a lot more dangerous than a gun, let me tell you that. I know because one time I rang a bell because I wanted to get into someone's house, and since Festus was already in he speared me to the ground.  
Then Glen came and speared Festus to ground, Jesse speared Glen to the ground, Mark speared Jesse to the ground and then ran into a wall. We were all on the ground.

**09:19  
**Except for this... Statue. I still wonder why Jesse and Festus have so many statues, most are of naked men.  
Meh, they probably got them from Paulie and Shawn... Or as San says these days; Sean Paul.

**09:45  
**My feet are cold. There are 3 things to do about that.

1. Buy socks.  
2. Steal socks.  
3. Make someone else steal me socks.

I go for 2. I can steal, I learned it from the great master of stealing, which would be Glen. Even though he hasn't stolen anything in over a year.  
I should tell him to do it again, his skills might get rusty...

**10:00  
**Ken came in.

"Hello there, strangah!"  
"Punk..." Ken said, "I think I will have you picked up by men in white coats."  
"You mean dentists?!" I yelled.

I forgot about my coolness. Dentists are not cool. UNCOOL KEN!

"No, from the insane asylum.' Ken continued.  
"Oh... I can live with that."

Did he really have to scare me like that?  
I suppose.

**10:09  
**Paul keeps visiting me, asking for the gun-man's number. I don't want Paul to buy his guns too, he's my friend, not his.  
I hardly have any friends for myself, they're all friends with someone else too. Rather annoying.

**10:23  
**I wonder if Ken really will have me taken to some insane asylum. I also wonder what I'm supposed to do there. Go to therapy?  
I don't need therapy, I got guns. All of life's biggest problems can be solved with guns. It really is that simple.

**11:00  
**Ken came back.

"What're ya buying?" I asked him nicely.  
"Nothing, I arranged for you to get therapy."  
"Oh, why?" I asked.  
"You obviously need it..." Ken said.  
"Whatever, as long as men in white coats leave me alone."  
"Your first session is today, around... 3." Ken said.  
"Oh, that'll do..."

I shrugged. Ken can make me go to therapy, but that doesn't mean I'll ever be sane again.  
Or sane in the first place. I'm not even sure if I ever was.

**11:09  
**I wonder what they'll make me talk about... I have a very odd and secretive past...

**11:15  
**I hope they won't make me tell about my childhood. My childhood was very... Tiring.

**11:21  
**Time to go see my friend...

**12:00  
**Ah, arrived at his place. He looks nice today. I think... He has never shown me his face, I wonder what he's hiding...

"Hello there, strangah!" He said when he saw me.  
"I have a name, man..." I mumbled.  
"What're ya buying?" He asked.  
I sighed. "How are you, man?" I asked.  
"What're ya selling?"  
"Come on, aren't we friends?"

The merchant stared at me for a few seconds.

"Got a selection o' good things on sale, strangah!"  
"Arghhhh..." I mumbled.

"You got new handguns?' I finally asked.  
"Ahhh, did ya shoot the medallions?" The Merchant asked.  
I nodded. "Eleven."  
"Here you go, it's on da house strangah..."  
"Thanks."  
"That gun will blast a bullet through two enemies!"

I like that... I could shoot San and Paul both at the same time.

"Thanks..." I said.  
"Heheheheee.." The Merchant just snickered.

So much for our friendship.  
I know he has a limited vocabulary, but it's getting annoying.

**12:45  
**Ken keeps following me around, to see if I'm making an attemt to run off, because I want to dodge that shrink appointment.  
Am not going very odd places to see if he keeps following me...

**13:00  
**In a closet. Very narrow too. Ken came with me... I have to...

**13:04  
**"Ken, time to get out of the closet." I said after stepping out.  
"Ugh..." Ken mumbled.  
"Ken is coming out, he's coming out!" I yelled  
Kane glared at me, and Taker is dancing again. I bet nobody knows this, but deep inside Taker wants to be a dancer. Why do you think he wears that outfit? He's one frilly skirt away from being a ballerina.

**13:05  
**Ken came out of the closet.

"Ask San to date you." I said.  
"Huh?"

He's very clueless sometimes.

**13:17  
**I found stickers! Oh my, I love stickers!  
I have to stick them to something, but to what?

**13:22  
**Walking around, looking for sleeping people. Around here wrestlers sleep in the weirdest places. Like on tables, under tables, sitting in a chair, or sitting behind a plant.  
Especially girls sleep behind plants.

**13:28  
**It's the Big Show!  
He's asleep on a chair, which looks way too tiny to hold his body. That man is just...

Who cares, stickers!  
I stuck a sticker to his forehead. He has a lot of forehead, so I picked the big one. A big, red heart on the Big Shows face!

**13:44  
**Ken is still following me. Very sneaky, had I not been so epic, I wouldn't have noticed. But I am epic, I know everything.  
Except the square root of 2938.

I'm bad with numbers.

**13:54  
**Look it's Edge.

"Edge!" I yelled.  
"My name is Adam..."  
"Whatevah..."  
"What do you want?"  
"I wanna sell you something..." I said.  
"Not gonna happen."

Edge is the Rated-R superstar. If you ask me Vickie is more rated R than Edge. Together they're rated G. For Gigantic underpants.

**13:59  
**I don't mean Edge's, he wears thongs.

**14:09  
**Ken is hiding behind a pillar. I know because he's talking to someone. Probably himself.  
Let's get a little closer, shall we?

"You're sexy." I heard him mumble.  
"You're very sexy dude, I wish I could do you..."  
"But... I can't. Because I'm Ken."  
"You're... No."  
"No..." Ken sighed. "I love you more than Joni."

What?! Ken is having an affair?

"Tonight we can get it on again..." He mumbled.

WHAT? That is so wrong!

"Yes... I need to buy vaseline first though."  
"..." -Sighs-  
"I love you so much it hurts..."

Heeeee... I wonder who the hell he's talking to?

"Hmmmm, you make me happy. Nobody does it better than you do..."  
-Groans-

OH MY I CAN'T TAKE IT!

I stepped away from my hiding place and confronted Ken, wanting to know who he was talking to.

"KEN!" I yelled.  
Ken looked up scared. "What?"

Not until then I saw who he was talking to.

"Sooooooo..." I said. "Is that a mirror?"

**14:14  
**Ken needs a shrink too. He like soooo. Thingy. Don't know the word.

**14:32  
**Shellfish?

**14:43  
**One time I went fishing with Edge, and Edge caught a crab. He took it home as a pet. A few days later the crab evolved and turned into a gigantic catfish.  
For some reason I now think Pokemon wasn't made up.

**14:55  
**In the waiting room of my new shrink. Ken's here too, to make sure I don't spear through the door...  
Like Ken could make me stay. I'm stronger than he is. I'm mister Money In the Bank.

Soon anyway.

**14:58  
**One time I saw a monkey in a bank. When I called it mr. Monkey in the Bank nobody got my joke. I was the only one laughing.  
How lame eh.

**15:00  
**My shrink is a dude my age.  
This is gonna be some conversation...

"Mr... Punk." He said.  
"Aye."  
"Tell me about yourself."

I thought for a moment... It's hard to talk about yourself, just from scratch. I don't remember things like when I was born, or when I became a huge Bon Jovi fan.

**15:04  
**"I am Punk. Also known as CM, or Mr. Pepsi... Or Mr. Money in the Bank. Not because I have money, but because I'm a great climber."  
"Really?" That dude asked.  
"Well, yes. Very good."  
"Where'd you learn that?"  
"Eh... When I was a kid I used to hide in trees." I said.  
"Why? What were you hiding from?"  
"Dinosaurs."

It's true, I once Jurassic Park, and I was scared for days. No, weeks. No, months.  
Oh hell, I still climb in trees to hide from dino's.

"But..." That dude said. "Dino's are a lot taller than trees."  
I shrugged. "So?"  
"So hiding in a tree doesn't work."  
"Of course it works, they can't see me through leaves..."  
"They can't?"  
"No, unless they have a sixth sense, but not many do."

That dude is clueless.

**15:16  
**"Why is your name CM Punk?" That dude asked.  
"Because my isn't Jeremy Daniels."  
"Excuse me?"

Clueless indeed.

**15:19  
**"How come you're so... Strange?"  
"I can't tell you..."  
"Why not?"  
"Well..." I said, "I'd have to kill you."  
"Oh... Okay."

**15:33  
**"Tell me mr. Punk, what is the most frightening thing that ever happened to you?"  
"Uhm..." I blushed.  
"Yes?"  
"Well one time I was downloading a song..." I said. I shivered, I don't want to go there.  
"Yes?"  
"And when it finished... I opened it..."  
"What were you downloading?" Mr. Dude asked.  
"Spice Girls."  
"Aha..."

What? Don't look at me like that, I got girl power too!

"And what happened?" The Dude asked.  
"Well, instead of playing the Spice Girls it played..."  
"Ahhh?"  
"PORN!"

Mr. Dude stared at me for a moment.

"Aha, that can be quite traumatising, how old were you back then? Twelve of thirteen?'  
"Twenty-six."

**15:43  
**Mr. Dude isn't speaking anymore. He's just scribbling on paper, and he just made a phonecall.

**15:55  
**"Mr. Punk..." He said. "I have arranged for some people to pick you up, you need more help than I can get you."  
"Will there be men in white coats?" I asked.  
"Yes..."

My heart skipped a beat. Or two. Three...

Six...

Am I dead?

**15:57  
**"D-d-d-dentists?"

Mr. Dude started staring again. I believe he has a thing for me.

**16:09  
**Men in white coats arrived. They put me in a 'straightjacket'. That's what they called it.  
I asked them if there were any 'gayjackets' too. They stared at me.

**16:13  
**Still staring at me.

"Keep staring, I might do a trick." I said with a wide smile.

**16:17  
**In a car. With padding everywhere! Even on the ceiling!  
I wonder how people are able to run into a ceiling...  
Or do they pick up nutty flies too?

**16:19  
**Is it normal I can't move around in this jacket? I mean, no normal jacket has a zipper on the back right?

**16:27  
**"So." I said. "Can I make a phonecall?"  
"What? Why?" The white dude asked me.  
"Well, you're locking me up, I am entitled to one phonecall."  
"Heh?"

I know my rights mr. Dude! I really do! I once went to lawschool you know!

**16:34  
**"I went to lawschool." I said to Mr. White Dude.  
"Really? For how long?"  
"Five minutes, I had to pick up my girlfriend."

And yes, there he goes again.

"Enough with the staring already!" I mumbled.

**17:00  
**In a strange house with locks on every door. Maybe they want to see how fast I can escape?  
They´re in for something alright! I escaped many places, so I'll be out here in no time.

**17:10  
**Bored. I want to do something, but I can't, because I have to wait for some doctor.  
I wonder what everyone else is doing.

**17:14  
**It's arrived. Another doctor dude, there's a lot of them out there eh.

"Mr. Punk, how are you?" He asked.  
"A bit tied-up at the moment."

He stared at me. Such a pain.

**17:18  
**"Mr. Punk, why are you here?"  
"You tell me, strangah." I replied.

**17:24  
**Someone tell me how I'm writing with a straightjacket on. Nobody is gonna believe this...

**17:30  
**"Mr. Punk, do you smoke?"  
"No, I am straight-edge."  
"That's nice."  
"Indeedy... The _straightjacket _really completes me."

More staring.

**17:34  
**"Mr. Punk, tell me... How much is 3 times 3?"  
"The square root 81."

That made him think for a moment. HAH!

"That's actually correct..." The dude said.

Duh.

**17:39  
**"Mr. Punk, if I have 7 apples, and I destroy 6, what do I have left?"  
"Apple sauce."

The Dude blinked. I blinked back. It was a blinking game for about a whole minute.

**17:43  
**"Do you have a girl, Mr. Punk?"  
"No."  
"Why not?"

I sighed. Is it really that important to have a lover?

"I have better things to do." I said.  
"Like what?"  
"Watching my hair grow."

Damn shrinks. I'm already bored here.

**18:00  
**Time for the epic escape of the day.  
Presenting Punk Copperfield, in insane asylums near you now!

**18:34  
**ugmg. i got stung wih a nedle,. in ma bum. arjhgsx bnv what.

byea

* * *

No get pissed plz, I love Punk! 3333


	5. The story behind Kozlov's helmet

_**NOTE NOTE NOTE NOTE:  
**_This is NOT a regular diary-entry... I'm stuck on Triple H's and Edge's diary, so this is like something random inbetween, until I can finish H's, which should be next week. Writing this because I haven't updated in a long while.  
This is CM Punk again, who has a new hobby because he's stuck in an insane asylum, which would be writing!  
I hope you'll still like it... :)

* * *

Ah hello, this is Punk speaking. I'm here to tell the story behind Kozlov's helmet...  
Or no, technically I'm here because I went insane, but that's besides the point, is it not? I'm writing this in my diary so my shrink can see that my friends (in this case Kozlov) are just as weird as I am, and considering the fact they don't need mental help either, I hope they'll let me go soon too.  
It's not like I'm a danger to those around me... Right strangah?

_So, for the story behind Kozlov's helmet!_

Everyone knows Kozlov has a helmet. He's afraid the Germans are coming, and in case they drop a bomb or try to shoot him, he has bought himself a helmet.  
I initially thought he bought it because he wanted to come with me on my moped, but after New Year's Eve I've realised Kozlov thinks we're still fighting World War 2.  
If you ask me Kozlov is a little late with World War 2, because in the meanwhile there has been so many new wars, that we should be in World War 3 or 4 by now.  
But Kozlov refuses to listen to me or anyone else who keeps stating we should fear other things. Like Ken. We must fear Ken. The chance of being shot by Ken is a whole lot bigger than the chance of being shot by a German.  
Ken also looks a lot more dangerous than the Germans, which says enough. Except for that band, Rammstein. Their singer looks more dangerous than Kane, and that says a lot. Kane is a scary-looking man.  
Blabla, who cares. It's about Kozlov and his helmet.

One day Kozlov came up to me, looking worried and nervous.  
"Punk," he said "they are coming to get us too!"  
"Who?" I asked.  
"The Germans!"

I looked around for Germans, but only saw Finlay.

"You mean Finlay?" I asked.  
"Finlay is Irish." Kozlov replied, slightly confused.  
"Same difference." I said. "What do you want me to do?"  
"I need protection!" Kozlov yelled.

I looked around again and decided the coast was clear.

"What're ya buying?" I asked with a scratchy voice.  
"A helmet!"

Okay, indeed that threw me off guard. I was going to offer him a gun, a tactical vest or even me as a bodyguard, but a helmet?

"I got no helmets." I said honestly.  
"You don't?" Kozlov asked. "But..."  
"You'll need to find a merchant that has helmets too." I told him, "But I don't know any."  
"What about your merchant?" Kozlov asked.  
"Eh, I have no idea if he has helmets."  
"Take me to him."

So I took Kozlov to see my 'friend' the merchant. We went on my moped because Kozlov was tired. He had been gardening all afternoon, and sitting in the dirt was taking its toll on his toosh.  
When we were well underway we suddenly heard a siren behind us. A few seconds later a policecar appeared in front of us, giving us the stop-sign.

I pulled over and took off my helmet, waiting for the cop to reach us.  
Kozlov in the meanwhile was getting nervous again. I don't think he copes well with authority.

"Sir." A cop said when he reached us. "You're friend is not wearing a helmet."  
"I know... That's his problem." I replied.  
"Uuuuuh... They're here already." I heard Kozlov mumble.  
The cop turned to Kozlov.  
"Sir, you are supposed to wear a helmet." The cop said.  
"No... But... I don't... Are you German?"

Instead of waiting for a reply from the cop Kozlov pushed me off of _my_ moped and took off, leaving us behind.

"Halt!" The cop yelled. "Halt!"  
"Halt won't work." I said dryly.  
The cop walked back to the car. "We request assistance immediately, we have a fugitive on a moped!" He said into a walkie-talkie.  
"Ghehehe, on a moped?" I heard the reply.  
I sighed and prayed Kozlov wouldn't crash my moped, I needed it to go to work.

In the meanwhile Kozlov was racing around on my moped, not wearing a helmet, and definitely exceeding the speed-limit. Deep in his heart Kozlov loved doing this, I'm sure of it.  
He wasn't very good at riding it though, he kept honking the horn when there was nobody in sight. He needs to study the buttons before using them.  
The cop was getting back in the car and started to pursue Kozlov, sirens on, yelling to Kozlov that he had to stop and get off.  
After about seven laps Kozlov stopped next to me and told me to get on the moped. I felt like I was in Grand Theft Auto, and Kozlov was the bad guy.

"Take me to your leader!" Kozlov yelled.  
"Excuse me?" I said.  
"I mean dealer, dealer!"

So I took him to my friend the merchant, who was rather confused to see me ride into his shop on a moped.

"Mopeds not allowed inside, strangah." He said.  
"I need a helmet!" Kozlov yelled.  
"Indeed you do, strangah."  
"I need it now, the Germans are after us, and they want my soul!"

Kozlov was clearly mistaking the cops with the Undertaker, but I didn't bother telling him. I was afraid he would kick me.  
My friend the merchant was staring at Kozlov, probably not sure of what to say.

"What're ya buyin'?" He eventually asked.  
"A HELMET!" Kozlov yelled.  
"I got no helmets, strangah."  
"Why not?"  
"Indeed, why not?" I asked. I was getting scared, I had never seen Kozlov that fired up.  
"Because I sell weapons, and a helmet is not a weapon."

Kozlov turned around with the speed of light and grabbed my helmet from my hands. Slowly but surely he closed in on the merchant, looking rather violent. The merchant didn't blink, didn't step back and didn't even say anything. He just watched Kozlov closing in on him, with the helmet in his clenched fist.

"I will show you how usefull a helmet can be!" Kozlov said threatening.  
"I am shaking in my boots, strangah." Merchant said dryly.

Kozlov was about to strike at the merchant when suddenly he was held at gunpoint. He dropped the helmet and stared into a shotgun.

"Listen strangah, coming in on a moped I can live with, being threatened in my own shop, I can not."  
"But the Germans are coming." Kozlov protested.  
"They are?" The merchant asked.  
"Yes, and they want my soul!"  
"Hmmm, I hope they buy somethin'."

I found that amusing, but Kozlov did not. He stepped back looking sad. I almost felt bad for him and hugged the giant Russian.

"There, there, we'll find you a helmet somewhere." I cooed.  
"But..."  
"We can go to a bike-store." I said. "After I'm done here."

I turned to Mr. Merchant, who looked happy when he realised Kozlov would leave him alone from now on.  
Or at least I think he was happy... He never shows his face, so I wasn't 100% sure.

"What're ya buying?" He asked.  
"I want my handgun to have a bigger capacity." I said.

While Mr. Merchant upgraded my gun Kozlov was hiding behind a barrel. It was a rather odd sight because the barrel wasn't very big. Everyone that walked by could see him, since the barrel was located close to a window.

"I need a helmet." He hissed.  
"I know, patience is a virtue." I said wisely.  
"Hurry up!"

In the back I heard Mr. Merchant snicker. I think he thought Kozlov was insane.  
And I agree with him, Kozlov really is, but do they send him to a shrink? No they don't, because he doesn't call people strangah. And I do. So does Mr. Merchant, maybe he should be in here too.  
Hmmm, or not. He would scare other patients, I suppose.

"Thanks aye." I said when I got my gun back.  
"Ehehehe, thank you."

I got back on my moped and Kozlov sat down behind me. We happily left Mr. Merchant's shop and headed for a bike-store.  
In the bike-store there was a man who looked like he had just left the Hells Angels. Kozlov went into his defensive mode again, hissing something about them damn Germans.

"Can I help you?' The scary man said.  
"He needs a helmet." I said, poiting at Kozlov who was now hiding behind me.  
"Ah, that I can help you with."

Mr. Hells Angel took Kozlov to the back, which worried me. I was afraid Mr. Hells Angel would somehow do something to Kozlov, and I thought I would never see my Russian friend again.  
But I did! Kozlov came back out, carrying a helmet and a leather jacket. He said it would make him feel better, because leather makes you look tough.

I personally thought the only good thing that came from leather jackets was having Shawn chase you down, drooling and turned on. Whenever Paulie wears leather Shawn is practically unstoppable...  
Me too, to be honest.

Anyway, he paid for his things and we got back on the moped. On our way back those cops passed us again, but they didn't recognise Kozlov. He was wearing a helmet after all.  
It was quite an adventure, and even though we didn't see any Germans anywhere, I was constantly on guard. You know, because if they had been there, I wouldn't have known what Kozlov would've done.  
He still worries me, and Kozlov and Ken are the only reasons I'm happy about being here. At least I'm safe.

Well, if you've read this you will know the reason I'm not supposed to be in this insane asylum. So please, whoever reads this... Get me outta here, strangah.  
Kozlov should be here. Not me.  
Now I must go, because I have creative therapy. I'm going to draw a Pepsi-logo again. It makes me feel good.

Bye bye strangah.

Visit me some time, will ya?

* * *

Very different from what I usually write, but I did have fun with this. I hope you liked it too, at least a little... =)  
Blabla, you know right. Flamers will be killed on the spot, this time by Mr. Merchant and his shotgun.

I promise Triple H's diary will be up soon! It'll be fun!


	6. Cause Stone Cold said so!

Hehehe... I´m updating. Hehehe. I just watched _Wrestlemania_ and felt the need to write about wrestling and leave Resident Evil out for a day.  
This might be a crackfic. Because I'm in my hypermode. I'm sorry. Ehehehe. Sugar-high!  
Now ENJOY loves, enjoy... *smirks*

**Inspired by:** Undertaker? Ehehehe. Triple H... Punk? And eh. Cola. I like cola. Do you?

**Chapter 5; Stone Cold Steve Austin.  
****Warnings: SLASH! :D Romance! xD **

* * *

**08:00  
**Certain things on this planet do not go together well. Like drinking and driving, and Stone Cold with a diary. It makes no sense at all. Even Rey makes more sense, and he wears masks all the time. Yes.  
So do I, but only when you don't see it. I steal them from Kane, who steals them from Rey, who is constantly forced to buy new ones because Kane is a master-thief.

**08:15  
**Today I will do three things. One is go see Mark and Glen, two is kidnap Glen and three is make an attempt to eat him. I just found out my ancestors were cannibals, and I feel the need to... connect with my past.  
I must eat man-meat. No pun intended.

**08:21  
**How to kidnap a bald giant in three steps by Stone Cold Steve Austin;

1. Sedate him with syringe taken from CM Punk's insane asylum.  
2. Chase away his buddies.  
3. Ask someone who hates him to drag him to your car.

I chose Bubba. Bubba blew his house up, so he'll probably help me when kidnapping too.

**08:33  
**But first Stone Cold must eat. I will eat beer today. I always do that, so nothing special.

**09:00  
**How to eat beer in five steps by Stone Cold Steve Austin. (My name is too long...)

1. Buy beer. Or steal beer. Whatever you please.  
2. Put it in the freezer. For a loooong time.  
3. Get it out of the freezer.  
4. Get a hammer.  
5. Slam the bottle and take out the still frozen beer.

It's like icecream, but it tastes better.

**09:18  
**Done. I ate two cans of beer. The problem with cans it that you can't break them easily, so in case of canned beer you will have to eat the can aswell.  
But it's okay, the only downside is that you need many sets of false teeth to get through the day. And a good dentist.

**09:27  
**The good side is that you never have a lack of iron in your blood! You should be proud of that.  
Stone Cold says so.

**09:45  
**Hm Punk called.

"I am mister Money in the BANK!" He yelled.  
"But... You're in an insane asylum." I replied confused.  
"Then who was that on tv?"

Good question.

**09:50  
**Who _was _that on tv?

**10:37  
**Christian came over. He wants to go out tonight. Am torn between eating man-meat and going out with Christian. I could...  
No that won't work, will it. No.  
Stone cold says so.

**10:45  
**Christian and I always play videogames. And then, after playing, we go out and do the things that happen in games for real. Fun games to do are Grand Theft Auto, Pokemon and Resident Evil.  
Especially Pokemon.

**10:55  
**We're playing Singstar. Does that mean after this we will go out and sing Karma Chameleon on the street? I hope not.

**11:16  
**Nope, not Karma Chameleon. But Barbie Girl by Aqua.  
Guess who I am. No, not Ken.

**11:23  
**"I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie woooorld..." I sang.  
Some fan walked up to me... "Why?" She said.  
"Cause Stone Cold said so!"

That scared her off.

**12:00  
**Chris and I went back in. We're now playing Final Fantasy X.  
I love this game. That Auron-dude is really cool.

**12:43  
**Ah, Christian just tried to summon an 'aeon'. It didn't work. I told him to go wear a dress, that would probably help.

**12:47  
**Christian came back wearing a dress. He's still not summoning anything, but people are taking some great pictures of him.  
Asked a fan if she could mail me those pictures.  
"Why?" She asked.  
"Cause Stone Cold said so!"

People wonder why too much. Way too much.

**13:00  
**Went back in for another videogame. I think Christian needs to meet up with Punk... They're both a little odd.  
Playing Resident Evil now. Oh hooray. Reminds me of Punk.

**13:54  
**Outside again. Christian brought a knife and I'm worried. He said 'You're the zombie!'.  
I have a feeling I will end up in the hospital before I can eat man-meat today.

**14:09  
**Running from Christian. Holy hell, he's fast. And scary.

"Prepare to die!" He yelled. "Zombies are not supposed to run!"  
"I'm not a zombie!" I yelled back. "Go awaaaaaaaaaayyyyy..."  
"Why?"  
"Cause Stone Cold said so!"

Thing is, that line may work on everyone, but not on Christian. Which is really annoying.

**14:13  
**Getting tired of running.

**14:19  
**Just saw Shawn. Hiding behind Shawn.

"You must protect me!" I told him.  
"Why?"  
"Do you really want me to answer that question?"

I saw Christian closing in on us. I was about to run away again when for some reason Triple H appeared aswell. Eh, technically that is logical, because Shawn and Paul are still together.  
Oh look, it's Mark, Glen and Kozlov too. Come oooon, don't they have their own house? I know they did at one point, I used to visit them.

**14:22  
**And drink their beer.

**14:34  
**"Why are you running?" Mark asked me.  
I glared at him.  
"Why are you glaring?" Mark asked.  
I glared again.  
"Why won't you answer?" Mark asked.  
"Ugh."  
"Why are ya grunting?"

Damn Undertaker sure knows how to piss me off.

**14:38  
**Christian tried to poke me with his knife but failed. Glen was standing in the way. He didn't even feel it, he's still grinning.  
Some kid just tried to climb Glen. I don't get that, little kids love him even though he looks more evil than Mark does. And they always try to climb him, like he's one of those things on the playground.  
I know all about playgrounds... During the night I used to go to one and swing a little. Or go down the slide. But then they found out and made me leave.  
They thought I was dirty man, waiting for kids.

I was like; "Duuuuuuude, what normal parent lets their kids go out around one in the morning?"  
And then the cop said "That would be me."

I wanted to punch him.

**15:00  
**I think Christian forgot about wanting to knife me, because he's now having a conversation with Mark. He asked Mark what it felt like to be such a legend on Wrestlemania. Shawn looked a little pissed at that question, and now he's hugging Kozlov. I wonder why?  
Kozlov still wears that helmet... I think he- HEY I just said 'I wonder why'. Why? Cause Stone Cold said so! That's why!

**15:09  
**I'm confusing myself.

**15:45  
**Ng. Omg Chris knifed me in the back. It's stuck in my fucking spine. Oops I cursed. I'm sorry...  
Sorry? To hell with sorry, there's a knife in my spine! Glen's trying to pull it out.

**15:54  
**Glen's pressing his insanely big boots in my back and pulling at the same time. This is worse than being manhandled by Awesome Kong.

**15:59  
**The knife is gone. I'm bleeding like nuts, but who cares. I need revenge on Christian.

**16:16  
**"I am soooo sorry Austin." Chris said.  
"You will be my next meal." I said.  
"Why?"  
"CAUSE STONE COLD SAID SO!"

That oughta teach him.

**17:00  
**First I need to see a doctor.

**17:09  
**At the hospital. What a surprise... It's almost my turn. Good thing Mark came too.

"Why'd you come?" I asked him.  
"I like seeing people hurt."

... Sick bastard.

**17:23  
**"Bubba brought a big bang... A big bang... Bubba brought a big bang..." I chanted.

Mark is crying now. He's so insanely scared of Bubba these days, it's not even funny anymore. How pathetic.

"Big bang..." I chuckled.  
Mark punched me in the back. "One more time and I will take your soul." He said.  
"Ehehehe..."

**17:29  
**Mr. Doctor-dude is stitching me up. He asked me what happened. I told him I was attacked by zombies.

"Do I need to call men in white coats?" He asked me.  
"No thanks, I don't need a butcher."

Pffff... I'm Stone Cold, I can do all the butching myself.

**18:00  
**Mark is coming home with me, I'm not sure why. It's not because Stone Cold said so. The only thing Stone Cold said was 'Ehehehe... '. I think the painkillers aren't very good for my brain.

**18:09  
**At home. Christian's not here. He left me a note though.

_'Dear Steve,  
__I am so sorry for knifing you. I took our games way to srsly. I hope you can forgive me. I left you beers in the freezer for dinner. Please don't eat me. And if you do, use ketchup. It'll make it look more dramatic.  
__You know I l u. I l u very much.  
__Christian.'_

**18:34  
**Mark thinks we're dumb because we play videogames and then re-enact them on the streets.

"What if people had gotten hurt?" He asked.  
"I AM HURT!"  
"I mean, really hurt..."  
"There was a knife in my back!!!" I yelled.  
"Yeah, but it could've been worse..."  
"Bubba brought big bang... big bang..." I chanted again.  
"I told you Steve..." Mark threatened.

Like he could really take my soul. Pft.

**19:00  
**Eating beer. Mark's eating meat. The only things I own are beer, meat and a house. A very tiny house, because the tinier the house, the less you need to clean. I'm very smart.  
Stone Cold says so.

**19:09  
**"Hmmm, let's watch a movie." Mark said.  
"How about 'The longest yard?" I asked.  
"Why?"  
"..." I decided not to answer that.

**19:17  
**I'm in this movie, which is why it's so great. Okay, Kevin Nash is too, and the Great Khali, but they couldn't hold a candle in the cold November Rain.  
Where the hell did that come from?

**19:34  
**"You're a strange actor." Mark said.  
I sighed. "Shut up."  
"Glen's better in See No Evil."  
"Shut up Mark, before I make you..."  
"Glen was good man. And so was Ken in Behind Enemy Lines."  
"Mark..."  
"Even Khali does better in this movie."

ARGH!

**19:45  
**"Bubba brought big bang, big bang, big bang... Ehehe. Bubba, Bubba, Bubba, Bubba."

Eh, what's that white light?! What is it? Am I dead?  
Noooo, I can't be dying, noooo... No Mark, don't take my soul... Noooo...

"Ehehe, I told you I'd take your soul... Now you're really going to hell!"

**20:00  
**Flames are everywhere. Kane must be around too I suppose. Many people walking around, looking depressed and tortured.  
Hmmm, am I in... Disney Land?

No, can't be. In that case I would've seen Matt and Jeff too.

**20:21  
**This is hell?  
How boring.

**20:28  
**I'm in painnnnnnnnnnn! Paiiiiiiiiiiiiiin... ... They're making me listen to... Nggg... Abba.  
This is hell alright.

**20:43  
**Super trooper, beams are gonna blind me... But I won't feel blue... Cause somewhere in the crowd there's youuuu.

**20:49  
**Reminds me of that movie, Mamma Mia. It was a nice movie, but the songs made me want to kill myself.  
If I kill myself in hell, will I go back to earth?

**21:00  
**Found a knife. Will stab myself. In the chest.  
My pretty chest...

**21:09  
**Ung. Pain.  
Voices?

"Nothing." I heard someone say.

More pain. Ohwwww, I don't deserve this...

"Yes, he's back!"

**21:13  
**Opened my eyes, saw paramedics.

"Dude, did you just jolt me with that?" I asked.  
"Eh...?"  
"I'm alive?"  
"Yes, but... Eh,,,"

They're not used to people speaking this fast I suppose. Damn sadists.

"I'm not in hell?"  
"No, sir, you're on the ground. Your friend tried to take your soul and succeeded."  
"Then why am I here?"  
"He was so shocked he called 911."

Wow. So now I know not to ever piss Mark off again. No way I'm going back to Abba.

"Sir, you're not supposed to get up yet, you were kind of dead for a few seconds."  
"I am getting up!" I said. I stood up and saw Marky Mark looking at me, wide-eyed and slightly scared.  
"Why sir?"  
"Cause Strone Cold said so!" Mark and I yelled at the same time.

**21:34  
**I survived the attack on my spine, the wrath of the Undertaker, and getting jolted by paramedics. I'm Stone Cold Steve Austin, indestructible.

**22:00  
**"I'm sorry Mark, for Bubba..." I said.  
Mark shrugged. "Sorry for taking your soul for a minute."  
"But why Abba?"  
"Super trooper, Steve, Super Trooper."  
"I don't get it." I said confused.  
"It's for you? The song?"

**22:04**

_So I'll be there when you arrive  
The sight of you will prove to me I'm still alive  
And when you take me in your arms  
And hold me tight  
I know it's gonna mean so much tonight_

**22:07  
**"Eh, Mark?"  
"So yeah, I kept pissing you off so I could take your soul because I wanted you to go to hell so you could hear that song and..." Mark took a deep breath. "And then I realised I killed you and I called them people, and now you're back, and now..." Another one. "And... Aww Steeeve."  
"You killed me because you love me?" I said confused.  
"Aye."  
"Awww, that's the most romantic thing anyone ever did for me!"

Mark smirked, I smirked. I kissed Mark and the rest... Well let's no go into details.  
Mark will move in with me, let's just keep it at that.  
Hehe, Mark will move in me. Ehehehe.

"I'll protect you from Bubba anytime." I cooed.  
Mark sighed and fell alseep. Awww. A sleeping Undertaker, a legend, all mine.  
Why?

**Because Stone Cold said so.**

Goodnight.

* * *

It was pretty long I guess. I´m happy. I love the thought of the Undertaker and Austin. Just as much as Shawn and HHH.  
You know right. Reviews are greatly appreciated, flamers will be killed on the spot.

I was thinking of making this the last chapter, but decided against it. More to come. Maybe not soon enough, but they will come. I promise.  
Why?  
Cause Stone Cold said so!


	7. Triple H is doin 'it rite, akshully

**Inspired by:** LOLCATS!  
**Warnings:** Light sexual references, more romance and sweetness. I'm sorry, I'm turning into a sap. Lolza.  
**Thanks for: **The insane amount of reviews on the previous chapter. 10 on one chapter! That's a new one... YAAY I love you people. In a certain way.

**Chapter 5; Triple H.  
****Enjoy k thx bai.**

**

* * *

**

**07:15  
**It's all about the game, and how you play it...  
Shawn plays the Game very well.  
I'm up. The Game is up. The cerebral assassin is up. Up and awake. Up and running.

**07:34  
**Shawn's awake too. He always starts his days off with Sweet Chin Music. On Kozlov. But that's okay, because Kozlov always wears his helmet. Still. Even in bed.  
It's rather crowded in the house right now. Glen, Mark, Kozlov and Glen's cats still live here. It's been forever since they moved in here after Mark's house burned down. But do they move? No!  
Mark says he's afraid Bubba will show up and make a big bang again. Mark finally has a phobia. About time.

**07:39  
**Ah, Shawn gave me a lil kiss. On my nose. Which reminds me of that time I kicked him out of the house because he said something about my nose. I don't like that, my nose is a very touchy subject. If people keep making comments about it I will end up like Michael Jackson...

**07:45  
**I wouldn't go black though. I'm not sure if that's possible.  
Though it would be a lovely idea... Once you go black you never go back right? So Shawn would never leave me for Mark Henry or Big Daddy V.

**08:00  
**Or the Goldstandard for that matter. Though he wouldn't do that anyway, we both think he's rather unattractive.

**08:14  
**And there's Mark. Mark looks sleepy. It's one of the most adorable sights ever. A sleepy Undertaker.  
Awww huggable.

**08:16  
**Hugged Mark, he didn't even resist.  
Maybe he needs attention too, even though he'd never admit it.

**08:23  
**Taking a shower with Shawn. Oh the joy, the love, the great times we have. I might propose to him.  
YES! I WILL! TONIGHT!  
Ain't that the best idea I've ever had? Apart from that time I decided to become an assassin because it has ass in it twice.

**08:45  
**I want to tell someone I'm going to propose to Shawn. But to who?  
Bunchlax?

**08:55  
**Told Bunchlax, Glen's cat, I'm proposing to Shawn. Bunchlax congratulated me by eating my sledgehammer.  
Well done, even I can't do that.

**09:11  
**Bubba called.  
The moment Bubba calls Mark sits down under the table and starts to rock back and forth like a baby. Then Kozlov sits down next to him and asks if the Germans are coming.

I feel bad for them.

**09:18  
**Mark is still under the table.

"Mark, come out." I said.  
"Bubba..."  
"Bubba is not here yet."  
"Yet?" Mark asked.  
"Eh yeah... He will be here soon."

Mark came out from under the table and is now upstairs. Probably waking up Glen.

Glen's his not-very-impressive bodyguard.  
I mean, did you ever see the Big Red Machine in pajamas? No? He looks like a bear. A cute bear.

Pandabear?  
He doesn't eat bamboo though. I hope...

**09:31  
**Yep, he woke up Glen, who is walking around in only pajama bottoms. No shirt.  
I feel the need to drool a little.

**09:39  
**Still looking at Glen. Shawny and I once asked him for a three-some, but he declined. Said he already has his eyes set on someone.  
I wonder who.  
I hope not Ken's girlfriend. Everyone hits on her when she arrives, and all she ever does is slap Ken or hit on Santino.  
Yes, Santino. Because he doesn't leave the toiletseat up.

**10:00  
**Wait, if I want to propose to Shawn, should I not buy a ring first?  
So I'm going shopping today. But who to take? Bunchlax? I wonder if he'll walk on a leash...

**10:09  
**I put him on a leash. Kozlov walked by.

"Freak on a leash..." He said smartly.  
"Whut..."  
"You should take a pic of him and make a lolcat." Kozlov said.  
"Good idea..."

**10:23  
**Taking pictures of Bunchlax. I don't think it's funny to put 'I ated your cookie' on it.  
I think I'll go for 'I wanned to hit u wif dem sledgehammer, but I ated it'. Yeah, that is appropriate.

**10:34  
**Taking pictures of Thor, who is walking around, dragging along one of my boxers.  
'I am de reasun u go out wifout underpants, and scare de ladees'.  
Indeed.

Good thing Shawn likes me without underpants.

**10:45  
**"Why is Bunchlax on a leash?" Glen asked.  
"I'm taking him shopping..." I said.  
"Make sure he doesn't eat any employees."

Good point, really.

**10:54  
**Buchlax is pissed off. I don't think he wants to go shopping, really. I feel bad for him, so I'm letting him go.

**11:07  
**Bubba called again.

"Bubba here." Bubba said.  
"Hello Bubba." I said.

Marky disappeared under the table again.

"Bubba made a painting."  
"Really? of what?" I asked.  
"Big bang..."  
"Bubba, that's not nice, Mark is traumatised."

I heard Mark sniffle.

"Oh, sorry." Bubba said. "I'll be there this afternoon."  
"I'm going shopping." I said. "Shawn'll be here."  
"Ok thnx bai." Bubba said.  
"Bai."

'Bubba maded you breakfast, but blew it up.'?

**11:34  
**Marky asked if he can come shopping. I decided to say yes. I'll tell him about wanting to marry Shawn, and it'll give him a chance to avoid Bubba.  
Also, Mark knows a lot about jewellry, so he can help me pick a pretty ring.

**12:00  
**Going shopping now. I hope Mark won't nag about me proposing. I want everyone to be happy.  
Or 'Bubba-like bright' as Bubba would say.

**12:09  
**Uhw, Punk called.

"Yeah?" I said.  
"Gotta bail me out strangah..." Punk mumbled.  
"You're in an insane asylum, I can't bail you out."  
"Not enough cash?" Punk asked.  
"Plenty, but you need help first." I said.  
"Come visit me soon?" He asked.  
"Hmmm, yeah, I'll take Shawn too."  
"K thnx bai."  
"Bai bai."

Lolcat-speak? That's bad...

**12:21  
**Telling Mark.

"Mark, I'm proposing to Shawn." I said.  
Mark, walking in front of me, turned around with eyes like satellite-dishes.  
"Really??????!!!!!" He yelled.

Yes, the Undertaker yells sometimes.

"Eh yeah..." I mumbled. I wasn't sure if his reaction was good or bad.  
"HOW COOL!" Mark yelled. "I'm so happy for you!"  
"He didn't say yes yet..." I said.  
"But he will."

So at least the Phenom is for it, and not against it. That's nice.

**12:45  
**Ah, at a jewellry store. It's odd to pick a ring for a man, they're all tiny and shiny.  
I mean the rings, not the men. Not a shiny man in sight, except for myself. Though I'm more bright than shiny.  
Indeed, the Game is bright.

**14:00  
**It took us over an hour, but I found the perfect ring for my man. It suits him.  
Though I wouldn't recommend people to buy a ring for HBK, it's rather hard to please the sexy boy. But I'm good at it.

Very good akshully.

Uh ooh.

**14:19  
**I want to go home, but Mark refuses to come with me. He´s afraid of Bubba, and Bubba is at our place. I wonder if Mark and Bubba will ever get along again... I feel bad for them.

**15:00  
**I found the perfect way to propose, so I need to go out and take care of a few things. In the meanwhile I suggest you listen to Motorhead. It's all about The Game, remember?

**18:00  
**Done! Within a few hours I will be either very happy or very sad. I hope the first thing. Shawn will say yes, right? If he doesn't I might have to Pedigree him.  
Pedigree Pal... Pedigree Paul.

HOLY HEFNER I'm dogfood!

**18:16  
**Cena came by... How annoying, I need to be alone with Shawn. Or at least as alone as possible. Being alone with Shawn is hard because there's so many others living here. Like a few days ago Shawny and I were at it, and guess who interrupted...  
Thor!  
Damn cat came on the bed and tried to take a nap on my, moving, body. And when it couldn't sleep it scratched me. Shawn thought it was cute.  
I wanted to make a big bang out of Thor. Bah.

**19:00  
**Mark came up to me.

"I need to tell you something too..." He said.  
"Really? What is it?"  
"I'm in love..." Mark snickered.  
"With who?"  
"Steve..."

Aww, that is such a cute thing. We're all gay and Kozlov has a helmet. What more could we ever ask for.

**19:07  
**"And now?" I asked.  
Mark shrugged, blushing. "I kissed him heehee."

I laughed for half an hour, because Mark looked like a very happy kid. Can you feel the love? I know I can!

**20:00  
**"Everyone OUT please!" I yelled.  
Everyone got up, including Shawn.  
"No, not you dear..." I mumbled annoyed.  
"Oh, okidoki."

Everyone left, even Glen who is normally practically glued to the couch. It even has a dent in the pillows from where he lets his butt rest.  
Only Shawn remained, looking almost worried.

**20:05  
**I have the poster. THE poster. I blindfolded Shawn, who thinks we're off to do some dirty things. Too bad for him, but not today.

**20:10  
**Eh, who am I kidding. The night is still young. plenty of time to do dirty things after we get this over with. Pft.

**20:15  
**Hung the poster... I think it's brilliant. It a brilliant poster with a picture of Shawn and me. And we're cuddling. Awww.  
Can you feel the love?

**20:18  
**There's text on it too by the way. Gotta be a lil' original these days.

**20:23  
**I stood behind Shawny and took of his blindfold.

"No sex?" He asked.  
"Egh."

He saw the poster.

"Ehhh I love that picture..." He walked closer, "what's it say?"

I stared at him, enjoying the view.

"Makin' meh happeh, ur doin' it............ Rite akshully. Will you marry me, Shawny?"  
Shawn turned around and smiled, then he laughed, then he hugged me and said "The sooner the better, of course, dumbass."

Heehee, I'm getting married... MARRIED HOLY HELL. He said yesssss!!!!!!!!

**21:00  
**He's wearing the ring. I locked the doors in the house to make sure nobody enters when we're being nice to eachother. Heehee time to put that blindfold to use again.

**21:31  
**I was just done tieing him to the bed when suddenly Glen appeared in the middle of our room.

"Ehehe, nice." He said smirking.  
"Glen! How'd you get in here?!" I yelled.  
"Through the roof, just like I always do?"

The Big Red Machine gave me a confused grin.

"Then go back the way you came from, this place is off-limits until midnight!"  
"Only til midnight?" I heard my blinded fiance ask.

I giggled and threw Glen out.  
I must stop writing now, I have better things to do. I'll leave the rest up to your imagination.

Hmmm fiance... Hmmm. I'm the happiest man alive.

**22:04  
**So much for a nice evening. Bunchlax is playing with the lube, he's all slippery now. Oh dear.  
What to do?

**22:12  
**Call Ken! What else?

"Ken? You got vaseline?"  
"Well duh." He replied.  
"Bring it over now!"

**22:15  
**Ken is fast... Oh wow. Haha.

"Hurry Paul!" I heard someone in the bedroom. "Someone tied Shawn to the bed!"  
"Eh, Kozlov?" I asked upon entering. "How'd you get in here?"  
"Through the roof?"

Is there a hole in my roof? Please tell me no. Oh man.

"Get out man, now!" I yelled.  
I love my friends, but they're so... In need of a Pedigree.

Time to make Shawn happy.

Bye now.

**23:00  
**Heehee, it'd be me, Glen. Taking pictures of you and Shawn. Way to go Hunter, way to go...

* * *

Sorry strangahs, I like romance these days more than humor. It's because of Resident Evil 4. Ugh.  
Lmao.  
Reviews are appreciated, flamers will be beaten up with a plastic bottle.  
I hope until next time. :)


	8. Jeff's loooong day

It´s 6 AM and I´m updating... Yaaaayyy.... I´m already feeling hyperactive. Lmao. Good morning loves!  
Thanks for the manyyyyy reviews. I aim for 5 per chapter, but this is the second time I got 10. WHOO! THANKS!

**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything and that's cool. Because I get to write this. Yayy.  
**Warnings**: Crackfic lmao. Hyper + chocolate + very early morning + Saturday + insane cat = Crackfic. Inspiration from That 70's show because I watched 15 episodes in a row. LMAO. Omg hyperrr.  
**Inspired by:**The many reviews I got. I was like; O___O. YAY. xD Skittles. Skittles for the win, right Dynamite?

So, as requested by many... Here is...

**Jeff Hardy!**

**

* * *

**

**09:00  
**I had a dream diary! It was long and full of colors! Red, yellow, green, blue... I think it was based on my diary, which has skittles on it!  
I mean real skittles. I like pimping things, and I glued Matt's skittles to the cover because well, he stole my Snickers. He always does that. It's a good thing I'm best buddies with Santa-Clause, or else I would never have anything to eat.  
Candy Canes for the win or something right?

**09:08  
**Oh yeah, about that dream right. This is what happened;

I was in my town, and I was walking. I suddenly left an alley and came across a gigantic yellow bridge! I know I was in the right town, but that bridge appeared out of nowhere! There were a lot of builders around and they all looked the same.  
They were all wearing red armours and they were all bald! One came up to me.

"You're lost, little man?" He asked.  
"Yeah, looks like it."  
"I can tell you how to get home!"

So that bald man knew where I lived. Which is, come to think of it, pretty strange... Oh my.

"How?" I asked.

He grabbed a permanent marker and started to draw a mathematical equasion on the bridge.

"That is how!" He said.

I decided not to believe him and went back the same way I came from. It's always better to call Ken. At least he ain't bald.

Then I woke up.  
Exciting, eh?

**10:00  
**I have decided to do something new with my life. I feel like helping people... Helping them through some of life's biggest ordeals... Like relationship problems and phobias. I have many phobias, like for watertowers, empty beercans and and sporks. And for Ashton Kutcher, which is because he fell off the watertower in That 70's Show all the time.  
That just proves how dangerous those things can be if you don't look out. And I never look out, I'm Jeff, I fall off everything if I don't look out.

**10:12  
**Matt's up too. He was complaining again about how that one time I stole his thinking-hat. I don't think that hat had any special powers, but who cares. If it makes him happy I'll live with it.

I need to go to work soon because I have to wrestle tonight. This will give me a chance to talk to people and see if I can get them to tell me their troubles. I hope so, I really need to explore my new interest. I should've become a psychologist if ya ask me.  
Maybe I can visit Punk. He still in the insane asylum, which proves he really needs help. Lots of it as a matter of fact.

**10:18  
**About Punk... Did ya know he still falls asleep every single night with a needle in his bum? He was able, and I am not joking, to escape the asylum wearing ONLY a straightjacket. I have no idea of how he did it, but I wish someone had taped it.  
I'm suspecting Punk to be the masked magician from that weird show where they explain those magic acts.  
That magician is very sexy in a way. I think he's a girl.

**10:30  
**Is it just me or does everyone seem gay these days? Shawn and H are getting married, Steve and Mark are together and for some reason I keep seeing Paul the Big Showoff hang out with AdamEdge. I think they got it going on too... Which is nice, love is in the air and I wish I could breathe some of that air too.

I need a girlfriend. A pretty one.

**10:43  
**Ah, Finlay called.

"Jeff..." Finlay mumbled. "How was Disneyland?"  
"I eh, I attacked Pluto."  
"Why?"  
"Because Pluto is a planet, and not a dumb dog."

I think Finlay got my point because he made some understanding noises. Or maybe that was him speaking Gaelic, I don't know.

**10:57  
**I'm out of Snickers again. Made an attempt to make my parrot go buy me some, but all it said was 'Raaaaaaaaah! Smoke the fag and kill the hag!'.  
I wonder who taught him that?

**11:00  
**Will leave for work now. On a moped... I got it for my birthday, Punk gave it to me. He said 'We all need mopeds, strangah..." and then left. Because the men in white coats were after him again.

**11:30  
**Flat tire. Damnit. Why do they put air in tires? Why not liquid? When it's liquid the stuff won't come out as fast as air will. Now I have to call Triple H.  
Or Triple A?  
I don't remember. So in that case we call Triple K; Ken Kennedy Kennedy.

**11:35  
**"Ken, my moped has a flat tire." I told Ken over the phone.  
"How come?"  
"There is a hole in it."  
"How come?"  
"I rode through a nail."  
"How come?"  
"I didn't see it on the ground..."  
"How come?"  
"I was looking at something else?"  
"How come?"  
"I saw a pretty lady."  
"How come?"  
"Well, she was walking there when I looked..."  
"How come?"  
"Maybe she was headed somewhere."  
"How come?"  
"I wish I could shoot you through the phone."  
"How come?"

I hung up.

**11:45  
**Isn't there a song where someone sings 'I'm hanging up on you'?  
I think so.  
I want to sing it.

**11:53  
**Calling Matt.

"Matt, it's me."  
"Hello."  
"Hello..."  
"What is it Jeff?"  
"... I'm hanging up on you." I sang.

Ehehehe, that was a nice thing to do. I should do it more often.  
I can imagine calling Ken.

_'How come?'  
__'I'm hanging up on you...' *Insert music notes*  
__'How come?'_

Nah... That would be annoying. I wonder what's wrong with Ken, usually he asks me if I have any vaseline.  
Hmmmm...

**12:00  
**Called Triple H, who called Triple A, who called a car-mechanic, who called a moped-mechanic, who called Punk and then Punk called me, so I still have a flat tire.  
I'm bored.  
At least the weather is nice.

**12:26  
**It must be my lucky day! Some girl came up to me, looking all girly and curvy, asking me what was wrong.

"Well, my moped is broken..." I stared at her ears, they were so tiny and cute, I wanted to bite her.

"You mean your tire is flat." She was staring at my moped, and I think she thought it was a cool moped.

It used to be Punk's, who has quite a strange taste. It has all colors of the rainbow.  
Which is obviously fine by me because I am a rainbow-haired warrior, always in for some color. Especially colorful candy like skittles, M&M's and candy canes.

"You need to take a kit with you so you can fix it when needed." The pretty girl smirked and shrugged. "I don't mind fixing it for ya, but you probably don't have anything to fix it with."

"I don't." Oh I hated myself! A cute girl with biteable ears wanted to fix my moped, but she couldn't because I'm not the brightest crayon in the box.  
Wait, I am bright. Okay, not the smartest cookie in the jar then.

"Go to a bicylestore, they usually fix mopeds..."

"Can I have your phonenumber?" I blurted out.

She gave me her number, diary. She really did! And her e-mail address so I can mail her, which is much more convenient than calling. I never know what to say on the phone.  
Heehee, love is in the air.

**13:38  
**Finally at work! Oh man, it took me forever to get here, while all I really should've done was go to a bike-store. How was I supposed to know?  
When I entered the building I saw Stone Cold standing upside-down, holding a beer. The can was obviously empty because he was standing upside-down, and I felt a rush of fear.

"Empty beercan!" I yelled before running away, right into Kane.  
"Stay off the grass." Kane said.

I giggled. That sounded very funny. The grass...

A little later, when I went out again to sit in the sun to eat something, I sat down on the grass.  
Again a little later a voice came out of the speakers, startling me, making cola come out of my nose.

"Stay offfffff the graaaaaassss!"  
"I do! I haven't smoked that shit in years!"

**14:00  
**They meant the grass. The green stuff cows eat. And Chris Jericho does too when he's impersonating a cow.  
Or was that Christian?  
One of them anyway.

**14:08  
**"I told you, stay off the grass." Kane said when he saw me leave the grass.  
"I didn't know you meant grass."  
"Grass is grass."

Kane makes no sense. Never. Stay off the grass.

"Then why didn't they put up a sign?" I asked.  
"There is a sign."

Kane pointed at a gigantic sign standing _on _the grass.

"That sign doesn't listen to itself, so why would I?"

The Big Red Machine sighed and left, probably off to find something to set on fire.  
Meh. People these days.

**14:32  
**I remember!  
Chris eats grass when impersonating a cow... And Christian eats grass when impersonating a cat with a hairball.  
Those two are together a lot these days. Christian once was Stone Cold's best friend, but then Stone Cold almost died because Mark tried to take his soul, and then they kissed, so now Christian has a new best friend.  
Christian and Chris. They call themselves Chris X2. Very cute.

**14:40  
**AH! Time to explore my new interest. Santino has a grand problem... I will help him now!

"Tell me your troublessss..." I whispered.  
Santino started to look around, trying to find out why the hell I was whispering. "It's... The ladies."  
"The ladies? What about the ladies?" I pulled my serious face.  
"The ladies... I think..." Santino looked around again, looking very scared and many other things.  
"Yeah?"  
"I think they want to... Destroy my eyebrow."

I cocked an eyebrow. Yes I did, I cocked it and stared at San... For only one reason; I can!  
San can't. He only has one eyebrow. It's long and fuzzy like a ferret.

"How will they do that?" I wanted to know. I was very curious about his conspiracy-theory.  
"With a flamethrower..." Santino glanced to the side and saw Kane approaching.  
"Is he involved?" I pointed at Kane, who pointed right back at me. Kane likes being pointed at, it makes him feel special and important.

"Yes, I think so!" Santino whispered very loud.  
Kane joined us. "SOOOOOO." The Big Red Machine yelled. "Where's the FIRE?"  
"In your pants!" Santino yelled back.

Bad move San. I wanted to help him with his problem, but now there's nothing left to save. I'm not crossing swords with Kane, I do not have a deathwish. And if I did I'd ask Mark. It seems like fun having your soul taken away. Stone Cold told me it doesn't hurt that bad anyway.  
Until you're jolted by paramedics.

One thing though... San suggested Kane has fire in his pants... Shouldn't that make Kane proud? Because fire in your pants sounds a lot nicer than not having anything in your pants at all. Unless you're a woman anyway.

WOMEN! I must add the girl on MSN!

**15:11  
**I added her on MSN. Am now waiting for her to come online. I hope I won't be sitting here until tomorrow, staring at the screen, singing 'I'm hanging up on you'.  
Meh, I could... Oh hey, e-mail. Teehee.

I opened my e-mail which apparantly came from Punk. He has a computer... He told me he even hacked his shrink's computer to change all of his grades into A's, but then he realised they weren't grading him for anything. Not even for escaping the insane asylum with no pants on.

_'Hello there, strangah!  
__It be me. Punk. I need you to do something for me, okay? I will not ask you what you're buying, selling or anything else, I only ask you this...  
__Tonight, and I hope you read this in time, you have to be in front of this asylum with my moped, around 12 o'clock. That's midnight.  
__You will hear men in white coats and probably someone claiming to be Napoleon. Please ignore them strangah, they're of no interest to you.  
__I will come out, hopefully without a needle sticking in my bum, and jump behind you on Mr. Moped. You will ride away very fast and bring me to Steve's house. We will stay at Steve's until 4. Then you will ride me to Europe, where I will be safe from men in white coats.  
__All men in white coats, including dentists, doctors, nurses and especially butchers.  
__Please be there strangah, I am counting on you._

_Lots of love,  
__CM PUNK.'_

**15:30  
**Why does it always have to be me?

**15:34  
**Went outside again and saw Chris X2 on the grass. When I yelled 'Stay off the grass!' Chris mooed at me.  
I mooed back, serves him right!

**15:45  
**Oh no... Christian has this bad habit right, of playing video-games and then re-enacting them in real life?  
So he used to play them with Stone Cold, but now he does that with Chris Y2J Jericho. And I can tell that they're doing it again, because Christian is carrying a knife again. I can tell he's chasing something, but it's not something I can see too. I wonder what game?

Christian looked at Chris and said "WAIT!"  
I saw Chris stand still. "Where ya goiiiiing?"  
"Follow me!"

A little later I heard Christian call Chris Ashley and Chris was yelling Leon at Christian. Leon is a lame name... And calling Chris Jericho Ashley is something only Christian can do. Y2J would kill anyone else that would call him something girly.

**16:09  
**Haha Chris X2 was chased away from the grass too. It was funny, the voice came from the speakers again and Chris, who was just standing on top of Christian for some strange reason, fell down. I think he hurt himself.  
Hahaha... Hahahaahh.

I'm bad-ass.

**16:13  
**I think I know that game... It's Resident Evil 4. I played it at Punk's.

**16:15  
**Christian saw me laughing at them... He came up to me, showing his knife. "I will consider YOU the final boss!" He grunted.  
"Saddler?" I asked confused.  
"YES!"  
"But... I'm not a gigantic spider!" I pouted but before Christian went all weak in the legs because of my lovely expression he started to wave his knife in front of my face.

So I ran.  
Across the grass.

**16:23  
**"Stay offfffff the graaaaaassss!"  
I was startled again and fell on my face because I tripped over a daisy. Damn flowers these days have no manners whatsoever.  
Chris X2 was standing in the distance, laughing. "Now we're even!" They both yelled at the same time.  
TSK!

**16:39  
**Logged in on MSN. She's there too! Yaaaaaayyyy.

_Jeff says:  
__So, what're your name?_

_Lady Lancelot leaks a little says:  
__Jamie._

_Jeff says:  
__Oooh, how old are you?_

_Lady Lancelot leaks a little says:  
__22_

_Jeff says:  
__Ooooh, where from?_

_Lady Lancelot leaks a little says:  
__England._

_Jeff says:  
__Oooooooh, I'm Jeff._

_Lady Lancelot leaks a little says:  
__I can tell. Jeff Hardy right?_

_Jeff says:  
__You know me? :D_

_Lady Lancelot leaks a little says:  
__No, just a wild guess._

... She is good!

**17:00  
**I like her, she's pretty, funny and odd. I want her in my bed please.

**17:09  
**Mark's here. Hehehe... He will tell me his troubles.

"So yeah, it's about Steve." Mark gave me a nervous look. "Steve is standing upside-down alot these days."  
"Why?"  
"I don't know, maybe you do, so that's why I'm telling you this." Mark turned around to see if Steve was around. "I think it's because I tried to take his soul?"  
"Could be it..."  
"You know, I didn't want to kill him... I just love him right. What do I do?"  
"Stand upside-down too, maybe you'll feel what he is feeling and then it'll all make sense." I said wisely. I'm wise.

**17:15  
**Mark's standing upside-down. I wonder if that's unhealthy, all the blood usually going to his man-parts is now flowing to his head. That's a lotta blood lemme tell ya that.

**17:23  
**"I feel dizzy." Mark was still upside-down, now beetred and looking a little sick.  
"Keep going!"

I wonder how long he'll keep this up. Or down. Upside-down.

**17:30  
**WOOPS!  
He collapsed. I didn't see that coming. Steve ran up to him and now he's kissing him. Dude, sleeping beauty is not real!

**17:33  
**It worked.  
Hmmmmmm...

**17:38  
**Chris X2 is dancing. I'm guessing what game it is, but I have no clue. Must ask them.

**17:40  
**It's not a game, they're practising they're routine for no reason at all.  
I wonder why they have a routine.

**17:57  
**Time to eat and wrestle. I will be back around... Nine.

**21:12  
**I'm back. I need to get home and get changed into something dark because I'm picking up Punk from the asylum. Ugh, such a pain. And what was that about someone claiming to be Napoleon? I thought that only happened in the movies?

**21:48  
**Matt asked me if I'm going out tonight. Told him yes... I also told him that if he would follow me around, I would kill him in his sleep. It worked.

I think.

**22:09  
**Chris X2 is here. I don't know why but it's a good thing, they will keep Matt occupied so I won't have to worry about being followed around tonight. I can't have that, Punk is very sensitive and probably doesn't want anyone else to be waiting for him.

**22:14  
**"Let's play Guitar Hero." Christian said.

Chris Y2J started to play an invisible guitar, making noises. Christian is playing an invisible bass and Matt is singing a song. Not the right song though. It's music from Slayer and Matt's singing 'Smoke on the water'.

Ahwell. They're stupid, I swear.

I told them they were stupid.

Matt snickered. "You're the one that sings Cher-songs when nobody is listening."  
"If nobody is listening, then how do you know?!"

**23:31  
**In front of the insane asylum, on my moped, waiting for CM Punk. Someone just came up to me.

"Guess who I ammmmm?" The person laughed in a scary way.  
"Napoleon?"  
"I am Hitler!" The person, a woman if I might add, saluted me in a very racist way.  
"Oh okay..."  
"Hahahaaaaaaa ich bin ein Berlinerrrrrr!"

Poor thing... They carried her off with a needle in her bum.

Ehehehe, bummer.

**23:39  
**Someone else came up to me.

"I'm Napoleon." He stated.  
Oh... So there's Napoleon. That's nice. "Okay, good for you!" I smiled.  
"Please show me your horse." Napoleon said.  
"I have no horse."  
"Why not?" Napoleon asked curiously.  
"I think someone ate it."

Napoleon too was carried off with a needle in his bum.  
Bummer X2! Haha.

Poor people...

**23:55  
**Still waiting for Punk.

**0:00  
**It's PUNK! YAY!  
Eh, he's wearing a t-shirt. And tighty whities. Oh dear.

"Ride, ride, ride!" He yelled when he jumped on the moped.

So I took off with a half naked man behind me."Needles?" I yelled to Punk. The wind was strong so I had to raise my voice.

"NO!" He yelled back. Right into my ear that is. Ouch.

**03:00  
**At Steve's and Mark's. Oh man, Punk wants me to give him a ride to Europe... On a moped.  
Is that possible?

"There is a gigantic tunnel leading there..." Punk stated with a serious face. "I heard that from the FBI."  
"Ehm... But where'd you see the FBI?" Steve joined the conversation.  
"Napoleon and the FBI work together in the war against emo's."

Hmmm, there's a war against emo's? Since when? Mark should watch where he's going!

**03:12  
**Well Steve is letting us spend the night. Which is great because I am exhausted. I'm off to bed.

**Whateveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer I dunno the time!  
**This is Punk speaking...  
Thanks Jeff for saving me a little. I will give you this info but you can not tell anyone else... It's about the war.  
The emo's will drop a bomb soon... It will be a bomb that will make everyone look like an emo. It's a make-up-bomb. Please flee to Europe, only Europe is safe. Napoleon said so, and Hitler and Elvis agreed with him.  
Please do, I don't want you to go all dark and doomy.  
I must go now, I will find the tunnel and escape. Be safe Jeff, be safe.

Punk.

**05:11  
**Hmpf, Steve woke me up. Punk went away and then he was hit by a car. Good thing the car was driven by an old lady, because otherwise he would've been very dead right now. Appears he only broke a few ribs and his middle finger.

I wonder how that happened?

I just read what he wrote. He makes me sad, I hope he'll find his brain back soon... I miss him.

But seriously, Elvis is there too?  
I thought he was dead!!!! OMG I must buy concert-tickets to his next concert!

Will sleep now again. Night night Skittles!

* * *

Over 4000 words? Holy crab, I'm never writing fanfics this early in the morning again! LOL.

**Note:**I did NOT mean to offend anyone with anything I wrote. Not about the insane asylum, not about gay people, not about the old lady driving and not about emo's.  
The only thing I don't have experience with is old ladies driving. Unless shouting at them when riding behind them on my moped counts. In that case I have experience with all of them, and no problems with it either.  
I just think with all the prejudices it's better to laugh about the funny stuff than cry about the seriousness. I'm postive and proud of it.

I'm off. Reviews are nice duh. I need a nap XD

Until next time, strangahs!


	9. Batista's quest to help Punk

**I AM BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope that amuses you. :D I found my love for this fic back. More to come, more to come.  
****I hope you remember me omg.**

**Inspired by: **A review DX left. :D Again yes.  
**Dedicated to:** The ones who have reviewed every damn chapter. I love you guys. Or gals. Or shemales, I don't care.  
**Disclaimer:** No owny okidoki? No making money of it either.  
**Warnings**: More romance and slash (I am sorryyyyy but I started writing this a month ago) More... Rollercoasters! **Oh yeah. This will be LONG!**

**9:  
****Batista!**

**

* * *

**

**09:00  
**Moin. I am the Animal Batista, and you my friend, are a notebook. I am stronger, therefore I own you. You just got PWNED!

Here's the deal notebook... Today I'm going to a themepark with 4 others, being GlenKane, Ken, The Great Khali and the one and only...........  
Let me hear a drumroll here please!

CM Punk!  
Yes, Punk is coming. Know why? Because we must give him his brain back. And what better way to get your brain back than by going on coasters?

**09:12  
**Did you see my muscles? They're gigantic. I hope they'll still let me on the ferris wheel. And I hope I won't make it fall over.  
Or Khali for that matter.

**09:18  
**Or Kane.  
Why are the giants going? We should invite Umaga, Bubba and the Paul's too.

**09:25  
**What to wear? Red or black? Or both?

No, better not to. Kane will probably accuse me of stealing his 'style' again. And Ken will tell me green is the way to go.

I'll wear a suit. I look good in suits.  
And without suits.  
Half a suit looks good too.

Ah. I am sexy.

**09:34  
**We must invite one more person, because otherwise some people will be sitting alone on coasters. Can't have that, who will hold my hand?

**09:49  
**Punk called.

"'ELLO THERE STRANGAH!"  
"Yes?" I shook my head in order to stop my ears ringing. Punk makes a lot of things ring these days.  
"I be PUNK! Ehehehe. What're ya buying?"  
"Tickets to a themepark."  
"Be there soon STRANGAH!"

And he hung up. He hung himself recently, in order to make a statement. The statement was; 'Ropes ain't strong enough, improve ropes'. And then they locked him away with a needle in his bum because they thought he was suicidal. Damn ropes really ain't strong enough, Punk hung himself from a window, and the rope broke after 5 seconds.

5 seconds.

I'm glad he's still alive, he did fall from at least 15 feet high. He landed on his bum which had so many needle-marks people thought he was a cokehead.

Oh yeah, forgot to mention. He wasn't wearing pants. He never does these days.

**10:00  
**Khali called.

"HRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH." He yelled

I roared back. I am the Animal after all.

**10:12  
**Am all dressed up now, taking pics for my myspace. My myspace. Not your space. I'm confused.

**10:15  
**Punk's here. And so is Ken. When Ken entered the room he yelled his name and tripped over my dog. Then the dog got pissed and ran off, and was attacked by my bunny. Then my bunny was still pissed off and attacked my cat, who attacked me, because I stepped on his tail.

I live at a petting-zoo.

Not to be taken literally, none of them are pettable. They're fierce, just like I am.  
I am the king of the jungle.

**10:43  
**"Yo Dave!" Ken appeared behind me, looking all Kennedy-ish. "When ya gunna clean that mess in your livingroom? It looks like a friggin' jungle."

I felt so proud.

**11:01  
**Khali and Cena appeared. Khali is looking rather flashy today.

"Why ya wearing that?" I pointed at Khali's red and pink flared pants and his pink t-shirt.

"Rollin'." Khali replied.

"Rollin'?"

Khali flashed me a pair of roller-skates. "You said rollin' cooter."

"COASTER!" Ken screamed. "HOW GAY!"

I think Ken forgot about that one time he went clogdancing with no pants on. That's more gay than Khali on skates, believe me. I saw it and took pictures for my Space. Myspace. Not your space.

**11:06  
**Kane is late, I wonder what is taking him so long... And I also wonder why Cena is here. Is Cena coming?  
He can hold my hand!  
Though I wish someone else would...

**11:09  
**Heehee. Forget what I said!

**11:18  
**What's taking Kane?

**12:09  
**Calling Kane...

"Glen, you're late."  
"I knooooow, I'm all busy!" I heard a voice on the other line.  
"With what?"  
"Kozlov!"

... What?!

**13:00  
**Kane is here. Finally, about time. He told me he thought I look pretty. He made me blush.  
Though I do wonder what he was doing with Kozlov.

**13:08  
**We can finally go to the themepark and ride coasters. Hmmm, I wonder if I get to sit next to the secret love of my life. I sure as hell hope so. Even animals need some loving every once in a while...

Heh, I can see him perfectly fine from here. He's looking good today.

"Dave, are you staring at Ken?" Kane's voice came from next to me.

"No..." I smirked. Not Ken. Staring though, yes. But not Ken.

**13:15  
**I hate the car ride whenever we go somewhere. Ken's driving and turns up the volume of the radio, which makes Punk sing. And no, Punk does not know the words. He just makes them up.  
This is Punk singing 'You oughta know':

**'And I'm her,  
****to remind you,  
****of the test you did when you went away.  
****It's not fair,  
****to deny me,  
****of the crocs I wear that you gave to me, you, you, you, oughta blow!'**

That's not cool. Way uncool.

**13:19  
**And here we go again... You're the one that I want from that Grease thing.

**'I have shoes, they're mortifying,  
****and I'm losing a troll,  
****to the power, you're so blind,  
****it's electrifying.'**

I don't think that's the right lyrics?

**13:25  
**Please make us arrive soon, please... Or I will Batista-bomb Punk. I will!  
But not while in the car, that'd be a little odd.

**13:34  
**Why didn't I Batista-bomb him right away? It could've brought his brain back... Or maybe the Batista-bomb is the reason his brain does not function anymore in the first place?  
I feel guilty.

And agry, he's still singing.

**13:37  
**Please no...

**'It got my first real six streams,  
****boy and then the five and gun.  
****Played it til' my fingers blehd,  
****it was the Summer of sixty-nine.**

**Me and dumb guys from school,  
****had a band and we drived real hard.  
****Jimmy clicked, Jody got married,  
****should've known we'd never get fun.**

"Punk, SHUT UP!"

**14:00  
**Ground under my feet... The ground of the themepark... I dropped on my knees and kissed the grass.  
The grass didn't kiss me back though.

**14:06  
**In line waiting to get in. Punk keeps wandering off, asking people to buy his gun. He just got kicked by a little girl that thought he was being a pervert. It was funny to see, Punk actually went down to the ground.

**14:10  
**Slow line... Bah. And on top of that you get all them fans asking ´Are you Batista?´ and when I say yes they want to touch my arms.  
Well, I do have nice arms, don't I?

**14:14  
**Cena just told me he's afraid of his hat flying off on a coaster. I grabbed some tape and taped it to his head. He didn't even try to stop me.  
Its scary.

**14:23  
**I can hear the people on rides screaming. I hope I won't scream, that would make me seem girly. I do hope Kane or Cena will scream...  
... Wait, where's Khali?

**14:27  
**"Where's Khali?" I asked Kane.

"He went in already." Kane smirked.

"HOW?!"

"He just walked in... The employees were too afraid to stop him."

**14:30  
**Inside. Finally... I hope we won't have to wait long in front of coasters, I want to back tonight before 9. There's a movie on. I must see it.

**14:34  
**Found Khali who was eating cotton candy. He shoved it up my face. "Bite." He said.  
I tried, I did, but biting in cotton candy is not very easy. Except for Khali. Ahwell, at least he's not on skates.

**14:43  
**In line waiting to get on the logride. Hmmm, they say one log fits six people, but if you look at us one will fit no more than three. Unless you stuff Punk inbetween, he's tiny.

**14:45  
**Ghahaha... They take pictures the moment you go down. I will buy one later on, they're hilarious. People looking all afraid, they're mouths so wide open I can see what they had for lunch.

**14:48  
**Punk's sitting in the log, facing the wrong way. "I do not want my face to get wet, or I'll end up looking like a panda."

Ken stared at him. "So you wearing make-up?"

"You don't see my corpse paint?"

I think Punk is the only one who sees it?

**14:52  
**Haha on a log with Punk and Cena. We're going up... Oh I love these things. Cena looks stupid with his hat taped to his head. He keeps saying 'What?' every time you say something.  
I don't think he hears anything.

**14:55  
**WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE... Heeheehee.

**14:58  
**Yes, that was nice. The picture is gorgeous, Cena looks like he just saw a talking cat, I look sexy and Punk... Well, you only see his hair.

**15:00  
**Hahaha... You should see the pic with Kane, Ken and Khali. (Triple K? How very wrong!) Khali's head isn't visible. He was sitting in the back and when the picture snapped only his body was visible. He's too damn tall.  
Buying both. Great memories.

**15:09  
**Time for the ferris wheel.

**15:16  
**At ferris wheel. Punk is moving around too much, he might make us fall out. Oh hell, that'd be weird. I'd be on the news all over.  
Eh. Kane looks scared.

**15:18  
**"Punk if you do not sit still right away I will chokeslam you all the way down to the ground!"

"Pft." Punk smirked. "I'm not scared, I can fly. Wanna see?"

"NO!"

Hmmm, Punk should only be on rides where he is strapped in. Then again it might remind him of his straightjacket.

**15:25  
**Ferris wheels take too long to go round. Too long. We're only in the top now.  
Kane's eyes are staring at everything but the scenery. He's scared shitless I swear.

**15:31  
**Technically a ferris wheel is like a clock with no numbers. Smart thinking eh?

**15:40  
**Finally we're out. Khali hasn't said anything in quite a while now, I wonder if he's okay? I should hug him.

**15:43  
**He bit me.

**15:45  
**Khali is walking to a foodstand again. By the time we get on a coaster he'll be so full... I don't want to know what will happen!

**15:50  
**He bought us all icecream! How sweet!  
"Bite." He commanded Ken.  
Ken shoved his icecream up Khali's nose. Ken doesn't take it well when people boss him around.

Ugh, for the rest of the day Khali will attract bees and ants. How annoying.

**15:54  
**Waiting in line again. Technically you spend more time waiting than riding something. How odd. And we pay money for that?  
Ahwell, everything for Punk I guess.

**15:56  
**Cena is gone. I think he didn't hear us when we said 'Crazy Coaster'. Uh oh.

**15:57  
**Wait, Kane is gone too. Kane and Cena are not around. Which means I will sit next to Punk and Ken will sit next to Khali.

**16:00  
**"Hold my hand?" I asked Punk.

Punk grabbed my hand. God at least he still knows what a hand is.

**16:03  
**I hope Punk will get his brain back... I hope I won't fall out when we are upside-down. I hope Khali won't hit his head when we make that sharp turn.  
Oh crap, he should've borrowed Kozlov's helmet.

**16:10  
**We survived! Khali was screaming, Ken was laughing his ass off, Punk was squeezing my hand off and I... I enjoyed myself.

**16:11  
**Ewww, no not like that.

**16:13  
**Staring at Punk. Did the coaster bring his brain back? Or do we need to ride it again... "Punk, what are you thinking?"

"Not enough cash, strangah!"

Yeah we need to ride it again.

**16:18  
**At an information-stand. We asked the people there to make an announcement regarding missing Cena and Kane.

**16:20  
**"Mr. Cena and Mr. Kane, please report to the information stand immediately! Your friends are here, hoping you didn't get lost or hurt!"  
Haha... That made my day.

**16:21  
**Ken stole their mic. Oh no.  
"I hail from Greenbay Wisconsiiinnnnnn... Misteeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrr KENNEDY!" He paused. "KENNEDYYYYYY."

**16:24  
**There they are! Cena still has his hat taped to his head. Isn't that itchy? And why is Kane looking so smug? I mean, even more than usual.  
They... No, impossible.

**16:43  
**"Food..." Khali roared.

Uh ooh.

**16:57  
**Soon there will be no food left for other people, because the Punjabi Giant ate it all. I was wondering how he got so huge. I´m huge too, but Khali PWNS me anyday.

**17:00  
**Staring again. Ken thought I was staring at him and he yelled and shook his fist at me. Like a shaking mr. Kennedy is so damn intimidating...

**17:09  
**I'm scared of Ken...

**17:12  
**Khali ate three hotdogs, more cotton candy and some icecream. We all ate one hotdog. Hmmmmm...  
Something's odd, maybe he's pregnant?

**17:17  
**"Khali, are you pregnant?" I had to ask... Come on.

"Pregnant?" Khali looked confused.

"Yes, are you?" I smiled. I thought he was uncomfortable.

He nodded.

... Wait, is he really pregnant?

**17:23  
**Punk's trying to sell his t-shirt, and there's about 10 girls that want to buy it. Well, fine by me, as long as he doesn't try to sell his pants.

**17:25  
**Or his boxers.

**17:32  
**Time to go on the Crazy Coaster again, make an attempt to find Punk's brain back. I hope it will work, I want the old Punk back. One that doesn't sell weapons.  
One that wears pants again.

**17:53  
**On the Crazy Coaster, now sitting next to Cena and his hat. Which is still taped to his head. I should take a pic of it. You know, for My Space. Myspace, not yourspace.

**17:58  
**I hate going up in coasters. Everyone is like 'We're going down!' and I'm like... Well we can't go up forever.  
I make no sense.

**18:00  
**Guess what Punk's doing in the cart behind me? He is singing again... His own version of Creep by Radiohead.

**'But I'm a creek,  
****I'm a builder.  
****Why the hell am I doing her?  
****I don't balloon here.'**

"A creek, man?" Kane's voice came from the back of the coaster. "I've always wanted to be one too!"

Good to know, Kane wants to be a creek. Hmmmm.

**18:09  
**Let me tell you my biggest secret diary... I am able to write on rollercoasters? WOW.  
I was upside down and I was still able to write down Punk's version of Creep... Or Creek, whatever. Hah. I have a talent.

**18:13  
**Taking pics of the guys for my Myspace. My Myspace, not your Myspace. Or yourspace.  
They're in a good mood today. They are climbing a fountain and I will not surprised if one of them falls in.

**18:19  
**See? I'm always right. Ken's wet now, Khali is wet because he fished Ken out and Kane... He's staring at Cena.

**18:21  
**Is Kane into Cena?  
How can Kane be into someone that has a hat taped to their head?

**18:32  
**Khali just told us he is hungry, in his own way of course.

"FOOD FOR KHALI!"

I can only say one thing... Khali isn't a man of many words. He's a man of actions.  
And pregnant. Hm.

**18:43  
**Action! If he's pregnant he got some action! I envy him. I wonder with who?

**19:00  
**Kane wants to go home. We weren't able to help Punk, and it's been enough for the day. Bah, I like Punk so much, I want to help him.

**19:09  
**Yeah, you read that right. I like Punk. Punk is cute.

**19:14  
**In the car on our way home. We're thinking of ways to get Punk's brain back while in the meanwhile Punk's thinking of ways to get his pants off.  
... I'm buying him suspenders for his birthday.

**19:34  
**Ken had a good idea. "I say we ask Mark to chokeslam him so hard, he will see stars!" Ken nodded to the rearview mirror. "And then he'll find his brain back."

"I don't think Mark'll do that, not after he nearly killed Austin." Kane sounded bored. "Also, he chokeslams everyone all the time, including us, and we don't have a well-working brain either, now do we?

Kane... Is smart. Oh wow.

**20:00  
**Kane thinks we should postorder a new brain for Punk. When I told him that brain would be dead Kane told me this; "Braindead is always better than insane in the membrane."  
As I said, Kane is smart.

**20:09  
**Home. Everyone came along, even Cena. We asked him if we should drop him off but he didn't hear us, he said "I don't want to be dropped."  
I understand that. Being dropped hurts.

I think his hat needs to come off.

**20:14  
**Making attempt to unhat Cena. It's not working, that tape is superstrong.

**20:16  
**Cena will just have to live with a hat stuck on his head forever. He'll cope.

**20:19  
**Punk found my radio. Brilliant... Their playing Kiss from a Rose by Seal, and Punk is singing again.

**'Bay Bear, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grain,  
****The more I get of you the strangaaaaah it feels yaay yaay,  
****Now that your rose is a balloon,  
****A light hits the glue on the grain.'**

What is it with him and balloons?

**20:28  
**Khali just hit Punk with his rollerskates. We're all staring at Punk, hoping he got his brain back.

**20:30  
**"Punk, how are you feeling?" Ken cautiously asked.

"Like a tornado!"

...It didn't work again.

**20:32  
**"Someone should kiss him..." Cena was staring at himself in a mirror. "Maybe that will bring his brain back... Like Sleeping Beauty?"

Ken snickered. "I thought she slept, I didn't know that woman had braindamage too?"

"It's the thought that counts..." Cena tugged his hat. "Kiss him."

"Who?" Ken asked.

... Please pick me, pick me!!!! Heehee.

**20:36  
**They picked me! I will kiss Punk now!

**20:43  
**... Hmmmm... I'm a happy Animal. I wonder if it worked?

**20:45  
**Ken stared at his friend. "Punk? What's with your bum?"

"Why the hell are you asking me about my bum?!"

... Does that mean it worked???

**20:47  
**"Why the hell are there needlemarks in my bum?!" Punk looked angry.

"You're back!"

Kane, Ken, myself and Cena threw ourselves at him. Khali just stood there, eyeing my bunny. I hope he won't eat my bunny?

**20:50  
**Hugging Punk. YAY! My kisses, they are healing for the soul. Haha. I must take pictures for my space. My space, not yourspace.

**23:57  
**Time to go to bed. We watched movies and talked to Punk. He has a hole in his memory, but we consider that a good thing... He might not want to know anything about his attempts to sell weapons, calling everyone strangah and not wearing pants all the time.

Good night!

* * *

Well over 3000 words! I was sooooo cracking up for no reason at all, and then this came out.  
I really hope you liked it, please drop me a review. Haven't heard of most of y'all for months cause I was addicted to writing about RE4.

Up next: Probably Cena and his hat.

**SEE YA!  
TTT**


	10. Cena gets high

**Thanks all for the reviews!!! :D I'm so glad people still read the madness!!!!!111!!!!ahahaha!!!! (I'm sorry. I missed you people. The reviews are fun.)**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own WWE. I don't own Cena or his hat. I only own this brain that works in mysterious ways.  
**Inspired by: **I was having a convo with a cute girl and was stupid enough to say 'Looking for my boobs while eating a popsicle.' That inspired me to this... Oh dear.  
**Warning**: The mother of all crackfics. I do apologise. Sincererelemy. (Wtf?) This is LONG! Again!

**Chapter 10; John Cena.  
****ENJOY!**

**

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**

**08:15  
**John Cena here. One of the many John's on this planet. John Morisson, John Cena, John... I think I missed one? Anyway, this is my journal, but because my name is John I will call it my Johnal.  
Please do not read my Johnal, for it is personal and contains secrets you can't know about. Like... Well, it doesn't matter.

**08:25  
**First I need to tell you how I live. I live in a house with The Great Khali and my hat is taped to my head, thanks to Batista. I've tried to remove it on several occasions, but that tape is so strong, it's stronger that the Cena.

Khali lives here because he's not allowed to buy his own house. He has destroyed his previous homes and to prevent that from happening again the state stated Khali would be a hobo from then on.  
Considering the fact Khali is a giant with hands twice as big as mine and a head that could crack a rock I decided to let him live here. I was afraid he would eat the other hobo's. And yes, that man eats a lot, just look at Batista's diary. It's full with blah about Punk, Khali and the jungle.

**09:00  
**Just a warning, I am Cena. I am great. I write great things. Great things are great, therefore I need great words to describe them, therefore this might contain a lot of text.  
Do not worry, reading something by Cena (Even though you shouldn't because it is personal) will only increase the size of your brain and the amount of braincells it contains at the moment.

**09:12  
**This is how it works... 'How to increase the amount of braincells by John Cena':

1. Count your braincells right now.  
2. Read this. (Even though you shouldn't because it's personal)  
3. Count them again.

You will notice that when you reach step 3 you either; Have thrice as many braincells as you did before, or, have died because I saw you read this and I did 5 knuckle shuffle on your ass.  
Therefore you should only read this when I am not around. You will regret it. You will, your brain will, your braincells will and your wallet will. Especially your wallet since coffins and headstones aren't very cheap.  
Unless you decide to make one yourself. In that case...

'How to make your own coffin and headstone by John Cena':

1. Get wood. Chop trees, steal it, buy it, borrow it or whatever.  
2. Get stones. Large stones.  
3. Get tools. Steal them, nobody ever misses their tools, and whenever they do people usually tend to think they put them away in the wrong place and stop searching. I know, because that's what I do.  
4. Get a permanent marker.  
5. Get glue or supertape like I have on my head.

Okay, you have what you need.

1. Nails, hammer and wood. Make a box. Hammer nails into the wood until you think 'Hah, I can fit in there!'  
2. Dig a hole. If you can make your own coffin you can dig your own hole too right?  
3. Put the wooden box in the hole. Do not make a lid yet, it comes later.  
4. Grab the stones. Glue them together.  
5. Grab the marker... Now write on the stones something like 'Here lies Mr. Orton, I died yesterday. Unless you're reading this tomorrow, in that case I died 2 days ago.'  
6. Read my diary and make sure I see it.

Next thing that will happen is I will kill you, sell your soul to the Undertaker and I will happily place you in your hand-made grave. I'll grab the remaining wood and place it on your 'coffin'. Then I will close the hole and voila, no money spent on your own funeral.

... Wait, what was I going to say again?

**09:23  
**I should write a book named 'Making coffins for dummies'. I'd become even richer.

**09:32  
**Khali is up too. He's running around, roaring... I wonder what his problem is, something odd is going on. Like yesterday he bit me and then he said 'I need money!'.  
I whistled at him. I am not sure why but it seemed rather appropriate.

**09:35  
**I am going to the mall later on because I need flowers. I am in love with this girl (no, not Kane, even though everybody appears to think so) and I know that flowers are the way to a woman's heart.  
That and Chuck Norris' fist as I read earlier.  
Well, I don't have any Chuck's around so I'll stick to flowers.

**09:39  
**Y2J just called...

"Cena beana, I got news!" Chris sounded very happy.  
"Yes, what is it?"  
"Christian and I... We're a new tag-team. And we're going to tag against you and... " Y2J paused.  
"And?"  
"And Batistaaaaaaaa!"

I don't see what's so great about that? I don't like the Animal anymore, he's the reason I still have my hat taped on my head. My hearing is bad because of the tape and my head itches so bad I actually ran head-first into a wall yesterday.

It left a crack in the paint.  
And my skull probably.

**09:47  
**Damn tape it cracks me up.

**10:00  
**Mark would say "And you didn't even need a nutcracker!".  
I'm glad Mark's not here.

**10:06  
**Playing videogame. Resident Evil Code Veronica. Am stuck. This blonde keeps appearing and mumbling, then he smashes me into something and I get killed by a monster.  
Calling Punk, the master of Resident Evil. (And needles.)

"Punk, this blond dude keeps smashing me into a tank and then a sticky creature kills me." I explained.  
"That's Wesker." Punk sounded bored.  
"The sticky creature?" I frowned. What a strange name for a monster.  
"No, the blonde." Punk sighed. "You should yell at him."

**10:10  
**It happened again. The blonde smashed me into a tank and swoosh, a sticky thing appeared.  
"Wesker, keep your monsters in your pocket!!!!!!!" I yelled at my tv.

**10:11  
**It didn't work.

**10:13  
**No more games for me.

**10:23  
**Hmmmm... I should check . It's a chatbox hosted by Punk. Rather than selling weapons he now owns a chatbox. I'm glad his brain is functioning again

**10:30  
**Chatbox is crowded today. There are 4 people, while usually I'm the only one in there talking to myself.

**10:31  
**_Cena:_ HI!

_Ken:_ And then Bob's head was bobbing to the tunes of Bob Marley's song about bobbing heads for Bobs.

_MarkyMark:_ I hate that name... Bob.

_Kane:_ Me too. It's so very unoriginal.

_MarkyMark:_ Exactly.

_Cena:_ So is the name Mark.

_MarkyMark:_ Cena...

_Cena:_ Yeah?

_MarkyMark:_ Now you're REALLY going to hell!!!!

**10:37  
**I'm in there for a few minutes and have already pissed of the Undertaker. Oh shit.

**10:40  
**Should I run or should I hide? Should I hide in a barrel and then run away with the barrel on my head? Running and hiding at the same time seems like a great idea.  
Or I could just call my bodyguard.

**10:43  
**On the phone with my bodyguard.

"Listen bodyguard, the Undertaker wants my soul..." I glanced out of the window to see if Mark was around.  
"Oh. How does that make you feel?" Beth Phoenix asked curiously.  
"Scared." I stated honestly. "Come over and help me Oh Great Glamazon."  
"Later on oki? I need to beat up Santino first." Beth sighed. "In the meanwhile I suggest you hide."

She hung up on me. Boo, women.

**10:55  
**Hiding in the basement, which seems like a bad idea. Taker is from Hell, his favorite places include really hot countries, burning factories and well, basements.  
Should I hide in the attic?

**11:00  
**I don't have one. Why not? My house is missing parts. I thought it was odd when it didn't have a kitchen, but not having an attic is just the equivalent of strange.

**11:12  
**I was going to hide underneath my desk, but I found out Khali is there already. Khali is a giant, how does he fit there?

**11:15  
**"How does that fit?" I stared at the Punjabi Giant under my desk. He was knitting something, don't ask me why.

"WHAAAAT?!" He roared. How come Khali always roars?

"How do you fit under my desk?" I scratched the back of my head. Or rather the back of my hat.

"SOCKS!"

... He makes no sense.

**11:21  
**Maybe he's knitting socks?

"Are you knitting socks?"

"RAAAAHHHHHH..."

That's no help at all.

**11:24  
**Having a conversation with Khali is harder than having one with a bottle of Pepsi, I assure you.

**11:26  
**Not that I tried... Hehe. Don't be ridiculous.

**11:39  
**Still trying to find a place to hide. I wonder when Beth will come over and protect me. The only weakness of the Undertaker is Beth Phoenix. Why? Because he likes her ass.  
Hey, at least I'm honest.

**11:46  
**Hiding in a garbage can. Taker will never find me here because he's afraid of dirty and smelly things. Which makes me wonder... Why isn't he afraid of Steve?

**12:00  
**Maybe he taught Steve how to bathe himself? Or he's the one bathing Steve which is very... Let's not think about that!

**12:12  
**For the love of the The Big G! The Phenom has found me! He must be... psychic.

**12:15  
**Am still in garbage can, though now upside down. I finally feel what it's like to live on the other side of the world, where everything is upside down.  
Mark said Chinese don't live upside down, but I don't believe him. The earth is round and flat. Like a pancake.

**12:17  
**Reminds me... Umaga once baked a bunch of pancakes that looked so stupid everyone called them 'Tiny mutant pancakes'. It pissed him off so badly he tried to make us mutants too. With his frying pan.

**12:18  
**Can't get out garbage can...  
Call Ken?

**12:26  
**"Ken, I am stuck..." I mumbled. "And I don't smell very nice either..."  
"Hmmm mebbe yuu abl t apple." Ken snickered. "What?"  
"What the hell did you just say?" That made no sense to me at all.  
"I was talking to Carlito... What were you saying Johnny boy?"  
"I'm stuck." I stated once more.  
"Ah, just like me in a wooden shoe?" Ken asked curious. Ken knows all about getting stuck.  
"No, in a garbage can..." I felt my face burn. Not with embarassement but with hot sauce. Never jump into a can filled with hot sauce.  
"Oh, in that case I can not help you."

Ken hung up.  
ARGH!

**12:28  
**I don't even remember why Mark was angry with me in the first place!

**12:36  
**Am out! Am taking a shower! I really need to sit down in a washing machine so my hat gets a good washing too. I should make another attempt to remove it from my head.

**12:39  
**Nailpolish remover? YES! That stuff eats away any substance that sticks.

**12:45  
**Hmmm the fumes make me sick... And lightheaded. Oh fumes, don't kill me. I just want to get my head off.

**12:47  
**I meant hat.

**12:56  
**The fumes... Heavenly fumes. I just saw that Oprah came over to visit me! Is that not lovely? Must give her something to eat.

**13:08  
**Gave Oprah some smores. I don't like smores, they're so... Black. You know.  
She's roasting them in my iglo. I never knew I lived in an iglo?

**13:12  
**"John Cena, you should be the legend killer." Oprah stated while drinking my secret stash of chloride. "And you need to change your hair."

I nodded at Oprah. Oprah's always right. It's odd, I thought she was black? Did she do the same thing as Michael Jackson? Is Jackson even yellow? Huh?

"John, did you know Pokemon is real?" Oprah asked me. "Because it is..."

I nodded again. I know. One time Edge caught a crab and the next day it evolved. It turned into a seal. I remember.

"Look John..."

Staring at Oprah. She's... Turning blue? Oh my big G! Need I use CPR? NO! Shes evolving! OH MY LORD OPRAH! OH! I must call Kozlov! No! I can not! Kozlov works for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, they have no phones, only helmets!  
Oprah! Oh dear Oprah!

Oprah has evolved into... A tree?  
How very utterly boring...

**13:34  
**The tree is coming after me! Oh no! I must flee. Run for your life John! RUN!

**13:37  
**Running away from my iglo which had a lot of doors if I might add. I don't think Oprah Tree will ever find the right one though! Trees have no sense of direction.  
I wonder where I am? Hey, is that... Khali?

"Khali! Oprah turned into a tree while we were cooking smores and drinking chloride in my iglo!" I was flailing my arms to look dramatic. "And then I fled!"

"Perhaps you need to do a sommersault." Khali stated wisely. "It will help you."

Made an attempt to do a sommersault and landed on my hat. Yes, my hat, which is still on my head. My head is attached to my body, which is quite a relief.

"John?" Khali was staring at me. "Yesterday the mouse of your computer caught a worm, can I keep the worm?"

I nodded and started to back away from Khali. Khali's nose... It's bigger than Triple H's! OH NO KHALI! It will consume you!

I ran off again.

**13:65  
**I didn't know there were 65 minutes in one hour?

**13:76  
**WOW!

**14:09  
**Oh. Hey, fourteen o'clock, is that possible?

**14:13  
**Ah, I found a pool! A pool! Nobody is in it so it's all mine! I will do a cannonball!!!!!

**14:18  
**ouchiiieeeeeeeeeeeeee... I'm gonna cry.

**14:19  
**Fata Morgana?

**14:23  
**Hey, who's that? And why is he coming at me? Must be... An assassin! OH NO LORD NO!  
Assassins are the root of all evil because, as Triple H stated before, there's 'ass' in it twice.  
Asses are the root of all evil, I'm telling ya!

**14:37  
**Hiding from the assassin.

**14:38  
**Hiding in... a TREE! OH NO!

**14:49  
**I'm safe here... I'm at... I don't know whose house, but safe nevertheless. I like this house, it's made of cardboard. Must've been a hobo that built it.

**14:55  
**Trying to find my boobs while eating a popsicle.

**15:00  
**Fifteen o'clock. How odd...

**15:06  
**I don't have a popsicle. Oh hey, someone's approaching. I hope it's not Khali-Nose, Oprah Tree or the assassin... Hmmmm. Maybe it's a hobo. I think it is!

"Hello!" The hobo smiled at me and I saw he had no teeth left. "Did you steal my house?"

"Indeed Mr. Hobo." I stated firmly. "You can live in my iglo! Make sure Oprah Tree does not kill you in your sleep! Sleep with one eye open and the other in your pocket! Otherwise she might steal it!"

The hobo cocked an eyebrow.

"No cocking, hobo!"

...

**18:00  
**What-the-fuck-happened?

**18:09  
**My head is killing me...

**18:12  
**"John? Are ya up?" I heard someone on the other side of the door. Wait, where am I anyway?

"Eh yeah."

Glen entered the room, looking confused, amused and a little short-fused. "John, were you huffing paint today?"

I shook my head. "No, why?"

"You called me a hobo and tried to make Shawn drink chloride."

So that's what happened... Oh. I must've been high. This is killing me! What else did I do?

**18:16  
**I just read my diary... Oh hell.

**18:22  
**Headache! Make it stoooooooooooooooooopppppp!

**18:23  
**"I'm sorry John, when you called me a hobo I knocked you out." Glen was still in the room. "Then I felt bad and brought you here."

"Where's here?"

"My house." The Big Red Machine flashed me his evil smirk. "Didn't notice the cats yet?"

Oh yeah. Bunchlax, Thor and mr. Humphries are sleeping on my bed. With one eye open if I might add. Their eyes are staring, I do wonder why. If they don't stop doing that they will die.  
Huh. Poetic.

**18:30  
**"Get some more sleep John." Glen grabbed his cats from the bed, not remaining unharmed since Bunchlax is Satan in disguise. "Good night."

**18:32  
**What-a-day. I'm going to sleep this headache away and I will never ever huff nailpolish remover again. Good night journal Johnal. Good night.

* * *

About 3000 words again. Im sorry for crackficking so much. But it amuses me, I found my love for humor back. (That is if you can call this having a sense of humor... Hehehe.)  
Suggestions on who to do next are welcome. (No diva's, no Randy Orton or one of his lame friends. Sorry.)


	11. Y2J and the FangirlArmy of Doom!

* * *

Eh, thanks for reviewing. Yesh. Wow. So basically... *thinks* I have to thank Wrestlefan4 from XxShawns Angel NefxX for... *thinks* something... I... **Read the review**!!!!! LMAO! Nef left so many reviews I'm confused. And insanely grateful DUH! Yeah.

**Inspired by:** Wrestlefan4's nickname. XD AND! I went shopping today with a friend and instead of spending money on much-needed pants, we both got piercings. Lmao. HURRAH!  
**Dedicated to: **Wrestlefan4. 'Cause ya know... 'Cause TTT said so!  
**Warnings:** OC-alert, though Wrestlefan4 is not an OC, I did not make her up LOL. But that's okay. Slight shameless self-insertion. (OOC WF4 and TTT) No mary sue, so sue me mary. Gesundheit.

**TOO MUCH RAMBLING, PLEASE ENJOY!**

* * *

**08:00  
**"Chrissssssss..." I heard someone snickering. "Chrisssssssssss wake up please thank you..."

Oh for the love of tricycles, what is Christian doing in my room around 8 in the morning?

"Chrisssssssssssssss... Hehehehe."

Got out of bed and broke some walls down with Christian's head. Hope I can go back to sleep now.

**08:12  
**"Break the walls down, Chrisssssss..."

I forgot, Christian is very hard to break. Literally.

**08:14  
**"Heeheehee..." ~Hissing noises~ "Heee hee heeeeeeee."

Holy mother of Helloween, what is his problem?

**08:16  
**Got out of bed again, now trying to ram Christian right through the ceiling. Think it would be rather handy if there was a hole in my ceiling, I could finally see the rats in the attic, rather than just hearing them.  
Well, I hope they're rats anyway. Though I wouldn't be surprised if my attic was inhabited by fangirls.

**08:19  
**He's stuck. His head is through, his shoulders and body are through, but apparantly Christian's got child-bearing hips. Oh dear.

**08:27  
**"Hey, I can see someone." I heard Christian's voice coming from the attic. It's odd, I swear. I hope he won't be stuck forever.

"What is it?"

"It's a girl I think..." Christian snickered, "but it could be a robot!"

**08:30  
**Robots in my attic. What is the world coming to?

**08:35  
**"The girl... It's wrestlefan4!" Christian yelled. "I wonder why?!"

4 eh? There must be more than one then. A whole army of fans... I'm about to get scared and move in with Triple H.

**08:3  
9**Christian's having a conversation with that robot that is number 4. Isn't there a robot named Johnny number 5 somewhere? I wonder if they're related...  
I hope not, in that case that robot in the attic isn't very cute.

**08:41  
**I tried to grab my jeans but got kicked in the face because Christian's moving around a lot. He's swinging those legs back and forth like he's dancing. I bet he is practising our routine again. In mid-air.

As I said, what is the world coming to?

**08:45  
**Heehee... Taking off Christian's pants and boxers. Will be taking pictures for Batista's myspace. Yes, his space, not your space.

**08:53  
**Christian's ding-dong is rather... Crooked.  
As I said, what is the world coming to?

**08:58  
**I'm still tired. I never wake up before 10 in the morning, and then I usually daydream about inventing post-its. I swear, I invented them too, I just wasn't fast enough with putting my ideas into an actual product.  
I also invented the tv, the lightbulb, Coca Cola and Kozlov.  
Am especially proud of Kozlov.

**09:13  
**"Christian's not falling down, falling down, falling down... Christian's not falling down, what a dumbass!"

I love singing. Don't you?

**09:15  
**"Hey, I found number five too!" Christian yelled. "I found number four and five... I wonder how many there are?"

"Approximately five thousand." I heard someone mutter.

5000?????!!!!!!!! And they all live in my attic??!!!!!!

Need I call the police?

**09:19  
**Wrestlefan 5000 sounds like a product I could invent.

**09:23  
**Yes, they would be robots and they would shoot things with giant cannons. The ammo will consist of superglue and the Wrestlefan 5000 would glue everyone to the ground.  
That would mean there would be nobody in my way whenever I would break some walls down.

**09:27  
**Ah, checking my e-mail. I have three new e-mails, one from HHH, one from Festus and one from Steve.

_'Dear Y2J,  
__I have bought clay. I am making a statue of you, do you mind? It's a statue you deserve for breaking so many walls down in such a short period of time. Come to think of it, I'm having my period right now, so I need to go and buy some tampons.  
__Love,  
__HHH.'_

_'Kris!  
I haff stolen yoor doorbel. Plees don't sew me. I haff been sewd manie tiems befoor. I stowl yoor bel becas Jesse confiscated mai ozer bel.  
__Feztuhz.'_

_'CHRISSSSSS!  
__It's me, Steve. Please remember to make Christian take his pills, otherwise he will hunt you down, stab you with a knife and my boyfriend will take your soul too!  
And I don't think that my boyfriend will call 911 after stealing yours! He only called 911 after stealing mine because he loves me. And he does not love you!  
So pills Chris! PILLS!  
Stone Cold.  
__P.s. Did ya hear about Cena getting high? Haha. He thought the Great Khali wanted him to do a sommersault. Wtf is up with that?'_

How come Festus knows how to spell confiscated?

What is the world coming to?

**09:32  
**"Wrestlefan4 wants you to pop through the ceiling aswell!" Christian yelled.

Seriously? I have a staircase leading to the attic, I'll just take the stairs. Am not hurting my pretty head because some army wants me to break through the ceiling.

**09:38  
**Attic. Found a gigantic amount of fangirls that all looked the same. They all looked at me and started to jump up and down.

"It's him, it's really him!" They yelled in unison.

The parents of that... What's the 5000-fold of one kid? Well, they sure been busy!

**09:40  
**Haha Christian looks ridiculous.

**09:45  
**"Lord Jericho, let us break your walls down!" The fangirl-army exclaimed.

I nodded.  
They are now all on top of me after they gave me the giant tacklehug from hell.

I like it.

**09:51  
**"Sooooo... Why are you all here?" I wonder how 5000 fangirls fit in my attic. It seems... Odd.

"We're here because..." Wrestlefan4 started. "we have nothing better to do." Some other WF continued.

"And what number are you?" I asked the other one.

"Number sixty-six."

I nodded. What else can a person do?

**10:00  
**... What am I supposed to do now?

**10:11  
**"Lord Jericho, we are your army! Command us!" They all said in unison. Do they share one brain?

"Uh?"

"Haha... Commander Chris, how lame." I heard Christian.

"Hey, I ain't the one with big hips!" I retorted. And then all Wrestlefans started to laugh.  
Yes, in unison.

**10:17  
**Christian's mad at me... He's acting like a woman. Which is odd. Big hips, being mad, dancing... Is he related to Boy George?

**10:18  
**Karma Chameleon?

**10:19  
**Do you really want to hurt me?

**10:20  
**I'm so random. It's because of these girls. 5000 girls and they worship me. Now what would Ken do?  
Let's call Ken.

"Ken, there are 5000 girls in my attic and they worship me." I stated nodding to myself.

"Oh. Why?"  
"I'm Y2J, that says enough."  
"Oh, and you're calling me why?"  
"I was wondering 'what would Ken do?'"  
Ken snickered. "Ken would do them all..."

I hung up.

**10:27  
**These girls are awfully scary. I mean, they look adorable, but if they're an army then I wonder what they are capable of. I hope they can do something cool, like march to the beat of a random heavy metal song. Maybe headbang in unison?  
I just hope they're not armed.

**10:30  
**"Are you armed?" I asked Wrestlefan4, who appears to be the spokesperson.

She nodded. "Yep, I've been armed all my life. I'm legged too!"

What is the world coming to?

**10:39  
**"Lord Jericho, here's the deal..." Number 4 stated seriously. "We are here to help you because for some reason someone else's fangirlarmy will attack you soon." She sighed. "And we couldn't let that happen, we love you so much!"

"Whose army?" I frowned. I didn't know I had any enemies.

"Festus' army."

Festus commands an army? Of fangirls? Festus has fans?

As I said, what is the world coming to?

**10:59  
**Okay, so it appears Festus does not like me because I ripped off Rey's mask. It appears Festus wanted to rip off Rey's mask before I could, and I beat him to it. Now Festus has an army of fangirls called the T's and they will attack me tonight. So Wrestlefan 4, the original one, went to get a timemachine and zapped herself to the future. There she find a giant copy-machine and made copies of herself. Now she's here with her army of insane doppelgangers and they will help me destroy Festus.

Does that make sense to you? Neither does it make sense to me, believe me.

**11:30  
**"Feed us Y2J!" My army yelled in unison.

"Feed you what?" 5000 people? I don't have that much food in here!

"Feed us information!"

Wait, what?

**11:34  
**Christian, still stuck in that hole, is feeding them information about how to get stuck in holes. He's a great friend but most defenitely not the smartest cookie in the cookiejar. Not the brightest crayon in the box. He did not put the I in logic and he didn't put the e's in clever either.

I don't know why, but he's having a hard time spelling.

**11:38  
**"I have a strategy." 4 stated firmly. "Festus' army only attacks after someone rings a bell, so we must... Destroy their ears."

... I have nothing to add.

**11:40  
**"I am serious my lord! We must destroy their ears. They won't hear the bell and just stand around, staring at Festus." 4 nodded to herself. "When they stare at him we will move in and destroy the army completely." There was some cheering from other WF's. "And the day will be saved once again."

Ah, smarticle!

**11:45  
**"How do we destroy their ears?" Christian asked curiously.

"Death metal." 4 exclaimed. "We play death metal and turn on the volume until their ears bleed. Then their eardrums do POP and swoosh, they are deaf!" She smirked. "It's what happened to Stevie Wonder."

"Eh..." That made no sense at all. "Stevie Wonder is blind."

4 frowned. "Yeah, because of death metal."

.... If she says so.

**11:57  
**This is going to be a long, long day. And it's not even noon yet.

**12:00  
**It's noon you goon! Bring me some toon(a)!

**12:42  
**WF4 and her little minions have left the attic. You should've seen it... They all went downstairs at the same time and none of them got injured! It was a scary sight. They nearly ran over Glen who was entering. When he saw them he asked me what they put in his coffee this morning. Because he was seeing everything 5000 times.

**12:54  
**What to do now? Several choices... I could annoy Punk, annoy Christian some more, annoy Undertaker, annoy Rey some more, annoy Carlito, annoy Edge or annoy Kozlov.  
Or Cena.

No not Cena, he's a junkie.

**12:59  
**I'm going online.

**13:00  
**_WF4 says:  
_We gotst msn yo!

_Y2J says:  
_HURRAY FOR BOOBIES!  
_  
WF4 says:_  
Excuse me?

Festus has been added to the conversation.

_WF4 says:_  
TELL US YOUR EVIL PLANS!

_Festus says:_  
Feztuz no planz, Feztuz sik.

TTT has been added to the conversation.

_WF4 says:  
_You're going down, T! :(

_TTT says:  
_STFU or I'll tell my mom! Haha. XD

_WF4 says:  
_Pft. You do that while we plot your demise. :]

_TTT says:_  
Good luck, truck. I got things to do, places to go, people to meet, cookies to eat, so goodbye and goodnight, don't lose your pants over it. :D

TTT has left the conversation.

_Festus says:  
_Mai armie haz levt ze bilding.

_WF4 says:  
_Hah. I could not care less. I got plotting to do. =)

... Time for me to leave the convo too, these people are mad.

**13:31  
**At the mall with the Great Khali. He just bought a pregnancy test and I'm very terrified of his reasons behind it... I'm hoping he bought if for his girlfriend, but since he doesn't have one I don't think he did.

...

**13:38  
**Ran into CM Punk who has a black eye. Yesterday he was at the Bash and was disqualified for kicking a ref. I liked it, I mean... People wearing black and white striped shirts deserve to be kicked.  
He says he's hiding from Jeff. I am not surprised. After CM Punk Jeff is most likely to go mental.

**13:40  
**Punk wants to come with me. Blegh. I don't like him that much so I declined.  
I wish Christian was here, but he's still stuck in my ceiling.

**13:47  
**Ah, it's Jeff.

"You kicked him on purpose!" Jeff yelled from the food-court. "And then you pretended to be shocked! I saw you smile!"

"I didn't smile! It was my pained-expression!" Punk retorted. "You destroyed my eye-sight!"

"Oh whatever."

Why's Jeff in a shopping-cart?

**13:56  
**Oh it's Finlay! Yay! I love him, he's smart, kick-ass and old. Kind of like Chuck Norris.

"My name is Finlay, and I love to fight!" Finlay said to Jeff in the shopping-cart.

"My name is Jeff and I... I love to go to Disneyland!"

"KENNEDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

Now where'd he come from?

**14:10  
**Oh look it's Wrestlefan4. She bought a cd with death metal. How lovely. I wish she'd chosen heavy metal, it's much better.

"So is that... Jeff Hardy?" She smirked. "And why's he in there?"

"I dunno." I shrugged. "So where you going now?"

"Hmmmm... I don't know. I must find a giant radio."

Khali decided to butt in on our conversation. "Braaaaaaaaahhhhhhlllllll." He shook his fist at Wrestlefan4, who gave him the finger.

Khali waved at her. He doesn't understand the concept of the finger. Meh, it's kind of cool.

**14:14  
**Festus entered the store too, accompanied by a chubby girl with black hair. He was mumbling at her in his own odd way. And then hugged her, kicked a box with cereal and ran off to God-knows-where.  
I hope... they don't sell bells here.

**14:18  
**EEK! Festus' lover glared at me.

**14:28  
**"Now that was T." WF4 stated. "She's... dumb. And has no taste in men."

I scratched the back of my head. "What's the T stand for anyway?"

WF4 looked at me with a very serious expression. "Trouble."

**14:30  
**I don't like trouble whatsoever unless it has to do with Rey Mysterio.

**14:43  
**Festus found me, he's being followed by this T-person. Maybe it's a code-name?

"Kris, joo haff seffen ours levt bevorr wir gonna kik yoor ass." Festus slapped his minion on the back, who fell over. "Und ze valls, zey vill never be broken down again."

'T' coughed. "I think you broke my spine."

"You haz no spine, minion!" Festus glared at his 'fangirl' "You haz nozing special."

"Pft."

"So..." I mumbled. "What's the T stand for anyway?"

"Toys." T stated clearly. "They were taken, and I am on a mission to retrieving them."

That makes no sense, did Festus steal her toys?

WF4 and T were glaring at eachother, I think if they keep doing that they might get hypnotised or explode.  
I hope explode. But only T, I like my fangirl, she's fun.

**15:00  
**I´m hungry as a horse. I might go out and eat something while carefully avoiding any fangirls.

**19:00  
**I fell asleep on the... Eh. Ground? How odd! I went home to eat and fell asleep on the ground. I don't even know how I ended up there?  
I feel like a hobo. Hobo2J. How pretty.

**19:02  
**Eh, three hours left until utter devastation... Am very worried right now.

**19:05  
**Still worried.

**19:08  
**Playing games with the lovely Christian who was able to free himself from the hole in the ceiling. I do wonder how? I hope he didn't do anything drastic like that time Kane drilled a hole in the Undertaker's wall because that would give easier access to the neighbours.

Haha, they didn't even have neighbours on that side. How dumb.

**19:15  
**I feel like doing something drastic before I fight Festus' fangirl-army of doom. Maybe get a new hair-cut? I don't have a lot of hair, so it would be in my pants.  
Better not to...

**19:19  
**Called Punk, the master of change.

"Punk, I need a CHANGE!" I yelled.

"How?"

"In my appearance?"

"Perhaps you should get a face-transplant, it wouldn't hurt ya."

Hung up, what an a-hole.

**19:27  
**Hmmmm... Maybe I should ask Marky Mark. He's smart. Just as smart as Ken, but not as loud.

**19:30  
**"Marky Marky, tell me, what to do?" I asked the Undertaker over the phone.

"Can not talk, busy." Mark stated clearly. "Call me after the great battle of doom tonight."

So much for friends.

**19:34  
**I KNOW! I'm getting a piercing! But where?

In my...

No. Out of the question. My nose is pretty enough as it is.

**19:40  
**At piercingshop, looking at piercer shoving a needle through the tragus of... T???

**19:48  
**"Hehe, I got a high pain tolerance." T said smirking.

She left the shop and I saw WF4 appear, she's now running after T. If my ears still work properly T just yelled "Don't hurt me, I am fragile!"  
Huh?

**20:00  
**No piercings for me. There ain't going to be someone pricking me. Not now, not ever. Heehee pricking.

**20:08  
**Prick.

**20:10  
**That is a word, right?

**20:14  
**My fangirl army is standing outside, I think it's time for the big confrontation... I am scared. Not of dieing but of the fangirls. Especially Festus', who's not supposed to have fans.

**20:19  
**At the battleground. Hoohoo. Both armies are glaring at eachother, but they haven't done anything yet. I wonder what will happen?  
I saw WF4 and WF3971 appear with a giant radio. They appear to be ready for battle already.

**21:00  
**Hey, it's Taker, Kane, Ken and Christian! I waved at them.  
T saw me wave. The original T I think? She's frowning.

**21:09  
**Holy goat on a bicycle, T attacked the Undertaker!  
He chokeslammed her.  
Festus appears to be confused, but I'm not sure, he doesn't have that many expressions... Hehe.

SERIOUSLY! What is the world coming?

**21:16  
**Oh hey, T just stole Taker's Gameboy Advance and is now making her way to Festus... Hehe, I wonder what's going on?

**21:20  
**WF4 just put in a cd.

**21:24  
**"He took my toys!" T yelled at Festus. "Taker took my toys, but I got them back, so I am done here!"

Festus roared, I think he said something, but I doubt it. He reminds me of Khali.

"So I gotta go now, play Pokemon, okidoki?" T was waving the GBA in front of Festus' nose. "BYE!"

And she... Left.

Huh? Like I said, what is the world coming to?

Her army followed her, this makes no sense. Is the fangirl battle of doom off?

**21:33  
**WF4 put on Death Metal. Haha. It's nice! I feel like headbanging, but refuse to. Last time I did it my head nearly came off.

**21:39  
**Festus is headbanging. He's banging his head against a treetrunk. Am positive the tree will receive more damage than Festus himself.

**22:00  
**Great, everyone is dancing. No signs of destruction whatsoever, just some people creating a moshpit and jumping like mad. Festus is standing around, Taker is crowdsurfing, Kane is setting Ken on fire and Christian...

Let's not go there.

**22:10  
**T's army left the building. How boring. WF4 must be so disappointed. I should ask her.

**22:14  
**Eh, she's gone too. How'd that happen?

**22:18  
**She left a note, how cute is that?

_'Have gone home, must write fanfic silly style, you're an inspiration to us all, Y2J. Love ya, but don't lose your head over it.  
__Greetings from WF4, still the biggest fangirl of them all.'_

Awwww she left.  
Bah, and I was hoping to get laid.

**22:39  
**The battle has turned into a giant rave. Great...  
I should join them. I wonder if there's beer?

**22:46  
**Never mind, Stone Cold is here which means the beer is gone already.

**04:06  
**Haha that was awesome... Am in bed with Christian, Kane and some dude I don't know. I think Kane just felt me up. I might get laid after all. Heehee.  
NIGHT!

* * *

Over 3000 words again. I am proud. Yes I am. I hope you didn't mind the OC's who weren't OC's but real people... Haha. Will not do it again, I got my toys back anyway.  
Please do review. Flamers will be assassinated with a plastic bottle.

**UP NEXT:** Christian's scavenger hunt! XD


	12. The ending

I am hereby writing the LAST chapter of Hidden Secrets. I just don´t like it anymore. I prefer writing short one-shots every once in a while, rather than over 2000-words long diaries.  
I'm sorry. I'm just not really into wrestling anymore, I now prefer Resident Evil.  
If you still want to read something, I might get back to Wrestlemen Evil someday, and I will still update 'Of Discounts and Destruction'.  
Thank you for reading this, thanks for reviewing and thanks for favouriting. I am grateful.

**Inspired by:** Nothing at all. Let's see where this will go okay?

**Warnings: **Crackfic for sure.

**Note: **This contains parts of journals of different wrestlers. Why? Because one long chapter about a full day of one wrestler is just too much. I don't have the energy, will or humor for it left.  
My brain has left the building. If you happen to find it back, please call 0900-TakerTookmyBrains

**Enjoy.**

* * *

**-Christian's shrink appointment.-**

**10:10  
**I need to go see my shrink in 5 minutes, so I'm in the waiting room. All the other patients are staring at me. I am here because I buy shoes all the time. I don't know why that is a problem, but apperantly it is.

**10:15  
**Oh dear, here we go again...

"Mr. Cage, have you bought any... shoes recently?" My shrink was staring at my pretty feet, apparantly trying to determine how new my shoes were.

"Yeah, like four days ago." I nodded. They're awesome shoes, I wish they'd never grow old. And they wouldn't, because before they had a chance to grow old, I would replace them with new ones. Kind of the same way I treat my girlfriends, come to think of it.

"Mr. Cage, the reason you buy these shoes isn't because you need them, now is it? It's because of your anger."

I frowned. "I'm not angry."

"Deep inside I can tell you house a lot of anger. Anger and insanity, but the latter one is for an upcoming meeting." The shrink scratched his throat. "Now what we should do is... Find the source of that anger, and tackle it!"

"Heh... Okay?" I hate seeing my shrink, he's so stiff. Haha. Stiffening. OH GROSS!

"Mr. Cage? You are angry right? You need to find a way to deal with it."

I sighed. "I do deal with it, by buying new shoes every week."

"No, you need to find a more... Healthy way. You must express it. But first we must find the source! Please Mr. Cage, do you know what your anger is directed towards?"

I shrugged and scratched my nose. It's itching. "I think so..."

Shrink nodded. "Good! Tell me what you think Mr. Cage!"

"My anger... Is directed towards..." I frowned again. "Towards..." I sighed again. "It's directed towards..."

"Yes, Mr. Cage, you can do it! Say it!" The therapist cheered.

"My anger is directed towards... Towards my old shoes!" I cheered back. I feel smart!

"Oh dear Lord..." The shrink mumbled. "Let's continue this next time, shall we?"

"I found the source of my anger! I am so happy! I must celebrate it by buying new shoes!" I took off my shoes and left his office. God, I hate that guy.

**-Shawn's invite-**

**07:15  
**Oh the beeping is messing with my concentration. I was just dreaming about having my hair cut off and looking not that sexy anymore when the alarmclock told me it's time to wake up.  
Heh, Paulie never ever wakes up from that thing. He just sleeps like a little baby. A baby of a motorboat, but a baby nontheless.

**07:19  
**... I just realised, I am getting married today! EEEEEEH! Oh my Glamazon, I can't wait. You should see the invitation! It is epic.  
Wait, I can show you the text right?

_HHH and HBK will be bonded on the 7th. of December in 2008.  
__YOU have been invited aswell!_

_Location: Green Bay Wisconsin church of Holy Heathens.  
__Time: 11:00 AM.  
__Dresscode: You must wear a sombrero! Dressing up is always a good thing, keep that in mind.  
__Presents: Anything expensive or pink will do. (Paulie made me write that down...)_

_Rules:  
__- No sombrero, no entrance.  
__- No stealing souls.  
__- No Chokeslams, Last Rides, Swanton Bombs or Batista Bombs allowed.  
__- Do not touch the cake before we say it's okay to. (Yes, I do mean you Santino!)  
__- Be nice.  
__- No creating moshpits! (I mean you, Motorhead!)_

_Please RSVP. If you do not show up Sweet Chin Music will be waiting for you.__HHH and HBK._

Love,

It's unbelievable we had to state rules, but we're wrestlers, you can never be too cautious, right?

**07:23  
**I wonder if some people will actually dress up. And if they do I sure hope to God that Kane doesn't dress up as gingerbread man again. It looks ridiculous. (Though I admit, it'll look good on the pictures.)  
I bet Kozlov will wear his radio again.

**07:31  
**It's time for Paulie to get up too. How to wake up the cerebral assassin you ask?  
I still have no idea, which is why I do the same things over and over again, every single morning.

**07:34  
**Singing very loud. Our favorite song, Join me in Death by HIM.

_"We are so young,  
our lives have just begun,  
but already we are considering,  
escape from this world._

_And we've waited for so long,  
for this moment to come,  
we're so anxious to be together,  
together in death, HO HO HO!_

_Won't you diiieeee tonight for love... Baby join me in death...'_

It always works...

**07:36  
**Paulie is awake. Or at least he looks awake. He always replies with 'Baby, how bout you join me in BED?' and then we do fun things.

Like talk. (Haha, got ya there, didn't I?)

But no time to join him in bed. I must get dressed and so should he. We're getting married today, okay? And that's hard work, despite the fact everything's being taken care of already.  
We had a wedding-planner, did ya know that? It's eh... Yeah... Beth. Beth is a lovely girl, so we thought she´d be perfect for it.

**08:00  
**Taking a shower with Paulie. It's great to take showers together but it's really hard. We hardly fit in the bathroom together. Usually that's fine, but there's no time for things like that.

"Shawn, don't drop the soap." H sounded very... Evil?

"I will not." I frowned. He needs to grow a second brain, preferable one in his head.

"Damnit."

See what I mean? This is going to be one hell of a wedding.

**  
-Bunchlax' exorcism. (Kane)-**

**09:24  
**"Nicey-nice!" I heard Kozlov yell from upstairs. Decided to go upstairs.

Found three dead mice, what the hell? Did Kozlov catch those?!

**09:31  
**Oh of course not, it was Bunchlax. I think he needs an exorcism.

**09:36  
**WHAT A GREAT IDEA!!!!!

**10:00  
**Calling medium.

"Hell-o, medium, my cat is posessed." I told the medium.  
"I'm not a medium." The medium replied.  
"Is that so?" I frowned. "Then what?"  
"I'm a large."

For the love of God!

**10:03  
**Different medium then.

"Hell-o, my cat needs help from up above."  
"Up above can't help your cat, down below might be able to though..." A dark voice came from my phone.  
"Really? How do I contact down below?"  
"Dial 0-666-Undertaker."

**10:14  
**Called 0-666-Undertaker. Surprising...

"Mark here." Mark said.  
"Dude, you have a phoneline that dials 'Undertaker'?"  
"That you, babybrother of Destruction?"  
I nodded.  
"I'm busy with Steve, call back later."

I wonder what they're doing?  
Do I want to know?

**10:30  
**Trying to figure out who the most evil wrestler is, apart from Mark and myself. I'm thinking...  
No, not him.

S... No, definitely not.

Finlay?

**10:33  
**Calling Finlay.

"My name is Finlay and I love to fight." Finlay answered the phone.  
"Listen, my green bastard friend, my cat needs an exorcism."  
"Aha, and you want me to exercise it?"  
I nodded.  
"I will be there soon, my big red bastard friend, give me a second, I need to feed Hornswoggle."  
"You have to feed him?" I asked confused.  
"Yes, feed him to my shark."

How odd.

**10:48  
**Finlay will come over soon to, hopefully, return Bunchlax to normal. Now there's this thing that's been bugging me...  
I don't even know if Bunchlax was ever normal in the first place?

**10:56  
**I can feel... I'm drifting off... Into a world of memories. Uh ooh.

_"Awwww, so cute!" I petted the kitten from which I first thought it was a bunny. "I'mma keep it."_

_Mark cocked an eyebrow, then his other eyebrow. "Oh."_

_The kitten attacked Mark's insane amount of pretty hair. Mark screamed, I laughed and Bunchlax just... Took a nap in the hair. It's what he does._

**11:00  
**Bunchlax was never sane, I'm sure. Uh, here we go again.

_"My sledgehammer is gone, it's missing, it has left the building, where the HELL is it?!!!" Paulie the Game was angry beyond words._

_I shrugged, as I always did. Shrugging calms the Paul down. _

_"Glen?" Paulie asked with a suddenly VERY calm voice. "Why is Bunchlax shaped like a sledgehammer?!"_

**11:09  
**I still wonder how 'Lax ever swallowed that thing... Can my evil cat of doom dislocate his jaw? And the rest of his bones, for that matter?

**11:17  
**Bunchlax has never been normal indeed... Oh no, no more, please.

_Fire... Fire everywhere. The stove was on fire, my candles were on fire and even brother of Destruction Mark was on fire. It was a sea of flames, eating away all of our belongings, which consisted of eh... fishsticks, candles, stoves and checkers for Kozlov._

_Mark blamed Bunchlax. I blamed Mark's stove. Bunchlax didn't place any blame, he just took a nap in Mark's hair again._

_Story of Mark's life, things taking naps in his hair. One time I even found JBL in there. _

**11:29  
**Staring at the image of myself, reflected by the mirror... There are scars everywhere you can see, and even some that are hidden by my previously mentioned stupid boxers.  
Bunchlax is Satan in disguise. Cena told me, Mark told me, hell, even Thor told me in his own way. And I believe them.

**12:14  
**Finlay is wandering around in my house, looking for Bunchlax. For some reason that cat's always around, unless you need him. He's like a woman you know? They're always there, nagging your ears off, but the moment you want to get laid, they disappear. Cats and women are such a pain.

**12:20  
**"Did you find him yet?" I yelled upstairs.

"I found Kozlov!" Finlay yelled back.

Oh well, maybe Kozlov needs an exorcism too?

**12:24  
**Haha Finlay tried to exorcise Kozlov and Kozlov gave him an epic headbutt. Kozlov's headbutts are always epic because he refuses to take off his helmet. I think it's because of the war or something. I remember him being afraid of the Germans.

**13:16  
**Mr. Humphries just jumped on my back. That cat needs to stop sneaking up on me... He's the sanest of them all though, must be because he was given to me as a present by William Regal.  
I just don't like his name. Ahwell, at least William stopped calling me to ask 'Mr. Humphries, are you free?' That was so annoying.

**13:47  
**"I think Bunchlax has disappeared into the fiery pits of hell." Finlay told me after searching for over an hour.

I shrugged. "He'll be back, it's not like they'd want him in hell anyway."

"True, true." Finlay wandered around my kitchen. "So what do we do now?"

"I'm making a bomb, let's set it off later tonight?" I smirked. "I suggest you wear protection."

"I can't, Hornswoggle mugged all of my condoms, it's why I fed him to a shark."

... Must be an Irish thing?

**15:00  
**Ugh, Finlay left... Ahwell, maybe Bunchlax is perfect the way he is. I just hope he'll come back soon, and this time without one of his 'preys'. Last time he brought me rollerskates. Indeed, the owner was still in them.  


* * *

Short, I know. And not as insane as usual. But I tried, I honestly did.  
I hope you liked it after all, and if not... Well, at least you got 11 chapters of madness already, so you could always re-read one of them. :)

Thank you for reading, strangahs.

T


End file.
